Jörm von Motörhead

Don't Wall Me In: The Sims 3

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 03:16:47 GMT

So, against my better judgment, I purchased a copy of The Sims 3. Since I am a servant of My Dark Masters, I get copies of the game for ten bones. So why would I not? If it sucks, I'm out the equivalent of two beers.

I think I suck at the Sims.

There's a lot that's confusing to me. This may be because I'm not a Sims expert, and really only played the first version in such a manner as to wall my children into small rooms and let them die (c.f., The Cask of Amontillado). I managed to play it for about five hours before kicking in the cheat codes: I wanted a better house.

And I got one! I spent about four hours building some crazy-town style version of the Winchester Mystery House. Multiple floors that shouldn't actually be viable according to the laws of physics. This was a lot of fun: my Sim (named "Evilla McBadass") has the craziest house in town. And that's cool.

The best part of the game is just allowing the Sims to do their own thing. At character creation, you define a bunch of traits and this says how they behave. I picked "genius", "evil", "flirty," "athletic," and something else I don't care about. There's an "Autonomy" scale in the options; set that to full. Watch what happens. Seriously: don't do shit. The Sim will do all sorts of crazy stuff.

For example, because Ms. McBadass is "evil", she wanders around town and knocks over trash cans. Since she's flirty, she picks up on everyone within visible distance. I went to go take a leak and discovered that a) not only was Evilla a lesbian, but that b) she'd chatted up another woman and c) they were making out.

A few hours later and they were gonna get married. Hooray, Sims 3 for being totally down with gay marriage.

(Of course, the first wedding party totally flopped and people didn't show up. I opted for a second, smaller party and that worked out okay. Then, as luck would have it, some other, unknown woman showed up and totally chatted up both brides, and they were both into it. So who knows. Maybe they're all gay Mormons.)

(Also, during the wedding party, one of the guests stole one of Evilla's guitars. /shake fist. If I find out who did that, there will be pain.)

Here's what I hate:

Man, shit. The time spent "sleeping" and "working" just fucking blows. The game seems to be about 4 minutes of interesting gameplay punctuated by 5 minute periods where I have to sleep and/or go to work. I would like to be able to spend more time "doing shit" rather than sleeping or working.

Maybe that will change now that my Sim is married and I have two of them to play with.

Holyfuck this game is brutal to my machine. Aside from how slow it is during play, my bad-ass laptop turns into liquid puke for fully 20 minutes after I quit the fucking game. This is not a baby computer, either.

It's stupidly addictive. I absolutely do not recommend it to normal humans for that reason alone.

This should be fun.

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 20:02:29 GMT

Sarah Palin is stepping down as governor of Alaska. That headline just screams "Scandal" to me.

The only questions are:

1) Is it a scandal along the lines of "going hiking on the Appalachian trail"?
2) Is it a scandal along the lines of "misappropriated funds for personal gain"?
3) Is it a scandal along the lines of "Minnesota Wide Stance"?

For someone with supposed aspirations to the Big Chair in 2012, she's doing herself a political disservice. It could be that, for some CRAZYTOWN reason that her advisers told her "if you quit, you'll have a better chance to be president" but I can't see that happening unless her political team failed grammar school.

This should be fun.

Prototype

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 04:16:33 GMT

Last week I picked up a copy of Prototype and I've gotten maybe 15 or so hours into it (about half the storyline missions and a lot of exploring and minigames), so I figure I can talk about it.

Prototype is a sandbox game where you are a guy with superpowers in Manhattan Island. The game is about the following things:

1) Crazy, super-human parkour stuff. Like Crackdown only turned up to eleven
2) Searching NYC for about ten different kinds of collectibles
3) Butchering people and zombies with a bunch of crazy-ass powers

You earn and unlock new abilities and powers by spending "Evolution Points." You get those by killifying things, completing missions, and finding all the "landmark points" and "hints" and whatever else.

Your character is not a nice guy. One of your most important abilities is to grab people and absorb them. You then take on their appearance - shape-shifting. They are, of course, deadified in the process.

(There's a whole problem with conservation of mass in this little bit, too. You just absorb 180 pounds of human flesh and somehow don't get any larger? At this point, I've eaten maybe 200 people. I should be the size of King Kong by now.)

Maynard was watching me play it and he commented "dude, you're the bad guy here," and he's right. There's really no way you cannot be morally reprehensible in the game because in order to progress you have to absorb people. In theory, I suppose you could play through only absorbing soldiers, but they're still, you know, innocent dudes just doing a job.

But you won't do that, because absorbing people is how you get back health.

So, let's run down the numbers here: Regenerates? Check. Gains health by eating people? Check. Superhumanly fast? Check. Can jump really high? Check. Can climb walls? Check. Can glide far distances? Check. Can shape-shift? Check.

Okay, I get it. We're playing a vampire. Only I can run around in the day time.

There's supposedly a plot in the game but I honestly gave up caring about it after, oh, the first or second cut-scene. It's your standard cliche: you're the angsty, brooding super-human product of a top-secret military experiment who lost his memories and now wants revenge on the people who created him. Yadda yadda yadda.

Oh, yeah. The virus that infected him has gotten out in a different strain, and it's infecting the city, and turning everyone into zombies.

(I have decided to ignore the plot and focus on the idea that this is a sandbox game where I am a vampire in New York City.)

The game has many interesting ideas. They are mostly small touches, but they serve it well. These little ideas are stronger than the game's plot.

For example, inside "infected zones" sometimes you'll see a bunch of crows circling a water tower. If you get near it, the virus in your system (which you're constantly shedding) will trigger the virus in the water tower, and it will burst open and unleash a monster at you. The military has sensors that can detect your virus as it sheds, so after a while the city is filled with automated drones that can detect you, no matter who you look like.

There is a neat gimmick (and on of the collectibles) where you "absorb" of certain people, and that unlocks parts of this "memory web". The more bits you unlock, the more you learn about the backstory: you're feeding on the memories of the soldiers and scientists who were involved in the experiment. Finding these people to absorb is one of the game's collectible sub-games.

The map is good bordering on excellent. It's not as vibrant and detailed as Liberty City, but it's definitely not a "cut and paste" version of Manhattan. That's where the game's strength lies: exploring New York City with super powers. The developers managed to get a lot of characters in the screen at all times. I'm pretty sure they did this by cutting down on the polygons used per person (no one has flowing hair, for instance).

My biggest beef with the game, other than the plot, is the fact that the main character dresses like a douchebag, wearing a popped collar underneath a hoodie that is never taken off his head. He's like Altair only less charismatic.

Off the top of my head, I can name several other games that do the "superhero exploring a city" schtick (Crackdown, Infamous, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3, Superman Returns, Hulk: Ultimate Destruction). I expect that there will soon be more (which I'm cool with; they're fun). The game has so far helped to pass the time until the release of Crackdown 2.

Anyways. I don't know if it's worth 60 bones, so rent it first and decide for yourself.

The Doomed Romanov Children: The Results

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 19:17:25 GMT

Last night's Cthulhu game, a story I titled The Doomed Romanov Children, completed with a 100% failure by the good guys (and a C victory for the bad guys). And by "100% failure" I mean "total party kill".

Which is good, because they had it coming after reaching victory conditions in the previous two games.

The story takes place in the year 1916. I'm going to write this from an "omniscient" perspective because it will make more sense, but know that only three people ever had any idea what was really going on. We played fast and loose with "real" elements of history; some events were moved around in the timeline of reality.

There is a bit of backstory that is important, and we'll start with that.

Two things are important to know: first, the man known as Vladimir Ilyich Lenin was not just a politician. He was actually a vampire with some sorcerous powers, and had, for several decades, been trying to carve out a country to rule for his own (ala Vlad Dracul).

Second, the Grigori Rasputin, aside from being a mystic and sorcerer, is also a member of a vampire hunting sect that is a secret arm of the Russian Orthodox Church. In fact, it was Grigori's rise to prominence in the Imperial Court that forced Lenin into exile to Europe.

Lenin made several attempts to return to Russia in the early part of the century but was thwarted every time. This is made so much worse for Lenin because the Czarina, Alexandra, is of Queen Victoria's hemophiliac bloodline, so her blood (and that of her children) possesses a great level of magical power - power which will elevate him.

The Cult of Lenin has decided that it is time to return to the motherland. There, they will back the Bolshevik revolution, slaughter the Imperial family, and create a regime whereby religion is outlawed (so no more pesky crosses).

Our story begins with a motley crew of wealthy individuals boarding a train in Zurich bound for St. Petersberg. Everyone has a motive to go to the court (or a cover story), and there are three (and a half) factions:

The Russians: Grand Duchess Tatiana and her retinue (her governess and a soldier bodyguard) are rushing home. Tatiana has a secret message for her father: Lenin is returning.

The Celebrities: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wants to meet Grigori Rasputin. He wants to find a way to speak with his wife from beyond the grave, and thinks Rasputin can help with this. Houdini is going along because he's Doyle's best friend, and doesn't want him to be taken by a fraud. Earhart is there because she is having an affair with Houdini.

Wittgenstein: Ludwig Wittgenstien is there because he wants to have a solid three or four months away from home to clear his head and think about a great philosophical work that he is writing. Plus, he's freshly released from the military, and has a bit of shell-shock.

The Swiss Bankers: These three guys are the "ringers". Their ostensible cover story is that they are heading to the Imperial court to extend a line of credit to the Czar to help rebuild the country after World War I. However, that's all a pack of lies: all three of these characters are cultists of Lenin, and are guarding his body and ensuring he makes it to Russia intact.

The vampire, Lenin, has been placed in a coffin in the baggage car (along with two other coffins, filled with random people, to throw off suspicion). In addition to the vampire's crate, there is another, larger crate that the cultists have smuggled on board.

This one contains three bound and gagged human slaves. They are extremely important to the process of getting the vampire to Russia, because vampires (in this story) cannot cross running water without suffering injury or possible death - and the train is going to be crossing two rivers. All is not lost for our evil cultists, however: they know a ritual that they can perform, requiring human sacrifice, which will protect the vampire as he crosses the water. Two rivers, three slaves (so they have a spare).

The entire game takes place in the rear three cars of the train. The last car is first class baggage; the second to last the staterooms; the third to last is the dining room/socialization car.

Play began. The players spent an hour or so getting into character, introducing themselves, and so forth. We wound the clock forward to the next day, when the first "event" happened: the slaves escaped.

Everyone was in the dining car eating lunch when the door burst open and three naked, emaciated people burst in, screaming in Italian. One of them was bleeding pretty heavily from his arm. They saw all the players (and of course, one of the bodyguards drew a weapon), screamed, and then jumped off the moving train into the snowy mountains of Romania (probably to their deaths).

(Now, of course, the cultists are screwed: they have about 36 hours to find another sacrifice, and they can't really use the famous people because there will be. . . investigations.)

The first (and most obvious) question asked was "where did those people come from?" since they couldn't have been coming from the lower-class cars. So they followed the blood trail left, and it led to the baggage car - normally locked, but broken open from the inside. Inside there, they found the crate, open, filled with bloody shackles, hay, and feces.

Houdini, of course, figured out how they got out: one of them broke his wrist to get out of the shackles, then freed the others. They kicked the crate open, and got out. One of them tore his arm open on a nail (hence the blood).

What follows is a chunk of arguing and safety drills. Houdini, however, is not satisfied with the porters just relocking the door, and wants to see if there are more people held in boxes back there. So, he decides to break into the baggage car from the roof hatch while the porters are repairing the door.

He bundled up, opened his stateroom window, and started crawling out to the top of the car. However, as soon as he stuck his head up, he saw that there were three men, dressed in what looked like thick, white wrappings, crawling along the roof towards the baggage car. They each had swords strapped to their backs.

Whupz. Houdini did an about face, went back inside, and informed the group that there were three people on the roof. The immediate reaction among everyone was "assassins!" Now there is panic.

Except among the Swiss cultists. They are thinking "vampire hunters". Two of them, Heinrich (the lawyer) and Helmut (the thug), decide that this won't do. So they go out stateroom windows, too. Heinrich knows a spell that will cause people to go to sleep if he can see them, and Helmut has a gun.

Helmut crawled onto the roof of the car, while Heinrich (after almost falling to his death), clambered out enough to see one of them. They saw the three men, working to open the roof hatch. They're silhouetted by the setting sun, making them perfect targets. Heinrich put one of them to sleep. Or, rather, he tried to: it wasn't a "strong" take, and only made the guy woozy for a moment. Which turned out to be enough, as the guy lost his grip and footing and slid off the roof of the train.

This surprised the other two "assassins", and Helmut shot them both. One body fell off the train but the other body got stuck against the hatch.

The two returned to the group and reported their findings. Of course, nothing would do now except to retrieve the body and search it for clues - an activity that the cultists tried to convince everyone was a bad idea. However, Houdini climbed up there and got the body down, and Sir Doyle investigated it.

This is when they discovered that the "assassin" was wearing a necklace made of garlic cloves and was covered in a several tattoos that identified him as being a part of some Russian Orthodox sect (though they have no way of knowing this, the vampire hunters are part of Rasputin's group).

Well, now Doyle thinks there's vampires. And he convinces Amelia of this, and by gum, they're going to go stake all the bodies in the baggage cart. Houdini, of course, does not believe in vampires, but he's going to go along with them just to say "I told you so."

They arm up with some broken furniture legs (stakes) and some cleavers from the kitchen and head off. The cultists are too slow in stopping them, though, and they get into the baggage car cleanly.

They open the first coffin - the one on top - and are stunned to see the body of Vladimir Lenin (both Houdini and Doyle were able to recognize him). They had enough time to say "WTF?" before Lenin opened his eyes and ripped off Sir Doyle's face.

Amelia turns to run. Houdini, keeping his wits, attempts to stake Lenin, but rolls extremely poorly, basically throwing the stake at the vampire. Since Amelia is closest, Lenin jumps on top of her and with a crazy series of rolls does four times as much damage to her in one strike as she had health points: he literally tears her spine out and throws her organs all over the car.

Houdini, covered in blood and gore, decides to bug out, and runs up to the baggage car's roof hatch, sure he's going to die. But Aaron rolled really well, and I decided that the vampire would be more interested in feeding on the bodies he had (he can always hunt down the magician later).

From the outside, the rest of the party heard the sounds of screaming - lots of screaming - for a short period. Then silence. Then Houdini drops down between the cars, covered in blood, and delivers the first "great line" of the game:

"I didn't believe him. So much blood."

Here's where the wheels come off.

The cultists immediately claim that Houdini is a psychopath and killed the others. Houdini is trying to disconnect the baggage car from the rest of the train, but they subdue him and throw him into a stateroom, leaving the Swiss thug to guard him with a gun. At this point we have the second "great line" of the game:

"We can't tie him up! He's fuckin' Houdini."

Everyone else: the Duchess, the governess, the Russian bodyguard, Wittgenstein, and the other two cultists - take refuge in the Russian stateroom, where they begin to argue about what to do next. During this time, one of the cultists is preparing the sleeping spell to cast on everyone. They're done with this fucking charade.

While this is happening, Vampire Lenin goes into the stateroom where Houdini is being held and says to Helmut, "Kill them all. Bring the girl." And then he rips off Houdini's head.

(I was impressed, because it wasn't until this point that Aaron figured out that some of the players were in on it. This little episode was handled in a separate room, so the bulk of the party wasn't aware what happened.)

What happens next is Helmut calmly walked into the Russian stateroom and said, "Something horrible has happened," and shoots the Russian bodyguard right between the eyes. Everyone screams, and the sleeping spell is cast, but only the Duchess is affected. She "faints".

Helmut says "quickly, everyone to the dining car! I will take the princess!" and he picks her up. He turns, and rather than heading to the dining car, makes a left to the baggage car. Wittgenstien and the governess, now the remaining active "good guys" start screaming "what are you doing!?" and follow.

The two remaining cultists have another spell, though: one that causes blindness in its target. They both cast and succeed on the good guys, who are quickly subdued. Now, everyone is aware that the three Swiss gentlemen are the villains of the story, but that's okay, because we fade to black. The governess and the philosopher will be used as fuel for the river ritual; the vampire will feed on the Duchess.

Fail condition for the good guys, and a marginal victory for the bad guys. It's a C effort: they survived, the vampire survived, and they'll be able to get across the water. But they've attracted a lot of attention, and will probably have to set fire to the train and wreck it to hide the events of the murders.

Here is a summary of the characters, who played them, some notes on their secrets, and their final fate.

Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna Romanova, 19 Years Old, Russian
Czarina, Student, Russian Nobility
Played by Kristen
Her big secret was that she was returning home to warn her father about a plot the Germans had to re-insert Lenin into the country. Whoops. She was also hemophiliac, but we covered that already. Tatiana was fed to the vampire.

Margaretta Eagar, 53 Years Old, Irish
Governess and Chaperone to the Grand Duchess, Trained Medical Nurse
Played by Leslie
The governess had no real secrets save that she knew of Tatiana's hemophilia. She was captured alive by the cultists and used a fuel for one of the spells to get the vampire safely over the river gorge.

Anatoly Zinoviev, 26 Years Old, Russian
Bodyguard to the Grand Duchess
NPC, originally intended to be played by Aaron
This character was originally intended to be a secret Bolshevik, but he was relegated to NPC status when we had a cancellation. Anatoly a was killed by the Swiss thug, Helmut: shot clean between the eyes in front of everyone.

Sir Arthur Ignatius Conan Doyle, 57 Years Old, Scots
Novelist and Short Story Author, Doctor of Medicine
Played by Golden
The first character to be killed (kind of). He was the one who opened the coffin containing the vampire and had his face ripped off almost instantly.

Ehrich Weiss, known popularly as Harry Houdini, 41 Years Old, Hungarian-American
Illusionist, Escapologist, Skeptic
Played by Aaron (originally slated for Tevya)
Houdini survived the first vampire encounter but was subdued by the Swiss contingent when he tried to tell everyone what was going on: he returned covered in blood, so they naturally thought he might be responsible. They left him in a stateroom guarded by the thug, Helmut. Then the vampire came into the stateroom, told the thug to "bring the girl" and tore off Houdini's head.

Amelia Mary Earhart, 26 Years Old, American
Aviation Pioneer
Played by Kira
The second victim of the Great Vampire Box Opening Catastrophe. She saw Doyle get his face torn off and ran - only too slow. The vampire hit her from behind and did enough damage to effectively rip out her insides through her back.

Ludwig Wittgenstein, 27 Years Old, Austrian
Philosopher, Inheritor
Played by Fifi
We gave Ludwig some minor psychic powers/connections. He had several clues, but people didn't really listen to him. Whupz. Ludwig was captured alive by the Cultists and used to fuel another one of the spells to cross the rivers.

Messr. Alfred Escher, 46 Years Old, Swiss
Banking and Railroad Magnate, Lawyer
Played by Ken
As mentioned before, the Swiss guys were all cultists/servants of the Vampire. Alfred survived, victorious (though he may have some explaining to do about the publicity that this will attract).

Messr. Heinrich Goddart, 55 Years Old, Swiss
Lawyer and Facilitator for Messr. Escher
Played by Mike
Heinrich also survived, though Master is Displeased.

Helmut Thorrssen, 34 Years Old, Swiss-Norwegian
Bodyguard for Messr. Escher
Played by Josh
Helmut had the highest bodycount out of any of the mortals. Two vampire hunters on the roof and then the Russian bodyguard. Plus, he arguably fed Tatiana to the vampire and made it easy for Houdini to get chopped up.

All in all an enjoyable evening. There was a lot more to the story I could have done - extended it out in all directions - but it worked okay as a one-shot.

Cthulhu Slot

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 18:48:57 GMT

One has opened up for tonight's game. Speak up if you want it.

SHODAN

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:27:53 GMT

So, Saturday morning I woke up and realized I didn't have anything to do so I decided to go to Stonestown and play the part of a cow, standing in line to purchase a new iPhone 3G S.

Why? I shall enumerate.

1) Old and Busted. My old, steam-powered iPhone had started to get wonky on me. The "shut the fuck up" switch wasn't working all the time (contact leads busted?).
2) Music Storage. Since I have been using the thing as an iPod more often, I wanted more than a 7 gigabyte slice of my 70+ gigabyte music collection.
3) Piktchas. I never thought I'd be taking as many photos with the damned thing as I did, so I wanted a better camera (the original iPhone camera is flush on the surface, so it got scratched up almost instantly).
4) Data Speed. I normally couldn't give a shit about whether or not I'm on a 3G network, but during the rare times I'm at the office, I am unable to read my email through the work network (they disable IMAP and POP). Thus, I am reduced to the painfully slow process of getting mail over a cellular connection. So faster data == happier jorm.

None of these issues were solved with the JesusOS 3.0, and since I qualified for an upgrade, I thought "why the hell not?"

Since I name all my portable devices after fictional artificial intelligence types, and the old one was named "Leoben", I decided to name this one SHODAN. Of course, nothing would do but to create a ringtone from this sample of her voice, and obviously the wallpaper must be her face. So that's fun.

And kind of creepy, when my phone randomly decides to call me a "pathetic creature of meat and bone."

The little "compass" application is stupidly fun to play with, despite it's simplicity, and I've been having a ridiculous amount of fun messing with the "voice activation" system.

One nice thing that I've noticed (and this may be a feature on the 3G; I've never played with one) is that it is significantly louder (in terms of ring sound, etc.) than the original iPhone. This pleases me to no end.

Also, you'd think that I'd easily be able to come up with a 26 gigabyte playlist. Turns out, not so easy, since I kept undershooting the mark.

In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 02:44:58 GMT

As I write this, it is morning in the Islamic Republic of Iran. The sun has risen above Tehran, it's bright rays stabbing into streets choked with smoke and tear gas.

The Quran has 114 chapters, or suras. All of these - save one - begin with a phrase known as the Basmala. The Basmala is spoken by those of the Muslim faith before beginning a task.

It is written as

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

and translates as "In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful".

Things are beginning in Tehran.

May your god be with you. May he watch over you and protect you. May your day pass without blood being spilled. May you have your freedom.

Cthulhu: The Doomed Romanov Children

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 18:15:34 GMT

Two slots have opened up. Please to be emailing me or commenting if you want in. It's this coming Friday, the 26th.

Cthulhu: The Doomed Romanov Children

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 19:57:56 GMT

The story has been written for my next Cthulhu game and a date has been set. The first batch of invitations has been sent out (going to those who have played before, excluding people I don't have email addresses for and who I know are unable to attend). There are limited slots (only ten this time), so until I hear back from the first batch I cannot open any up. However, if you would like to be put into the queue for a slot (should any open up), leave a comment below.

This story is actually pretty damned awesome, if I do say so myself.

It is January of 1916, near the end of World War I. Our story takes place within the first class cars of a trans-Siberian train, bound for Saint Petersburg from Zurich. Traveling together is a motley crew comprised of nobility, wealth, and celebrity - each with their own motivations and secrets, and most carrying false passports.

What happens as they travel through war-torn mountains in the dead of winter, cloaked in dreadful opulence? Who can tell?

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna Romanova, 19 Years Old, Russian
Czarina, Student, Russian Nobility
A young, doomed princess of Russia, returning home to her family with an urgent message.

Margaretta Eagar, 53 Years Old, Irish¹
Governess and Chaperone to the Grand Duchess, Trained Medical Nurse
A doting and intelligent surrogate mother.

Anatoly Zinoviev, 26 Years Old, Russian⁶
Bodyguard to the Grand Duchess
An attentive, capable, peasant soldier

Sir Arthur Ignatius Conan Doyle, 57 Years Old, Scots²
Novelist and Short Story Author, Doctor of Medicine
- A mournful author, traveling to meet the noted "Mad Monk", Grigori Rasputin, in the hopes that Rasputin will be able to allow him to contact his dead wife.

Ehrich Weiss, known popularly as Harry Houdini, 41 Years Old, Hungarian-American²
Illusionist, Escapologist, Skeptic
A noted showman, traveling with his friend, Sir Arthur, hoping to prove Rasputin to be a fraud.

Amelia Mary Earhart, 26 Years Old, American³
Aviation Pioneer
A young aviator and adventuress, slightly star-struck, and traveling with Doyle and Houdini "just for the hell of it."

Ludwig Wittgenstein, 27 Years Old, Austrian⁴
Philosopher, Inheritor
A broody, melancholic man, and one of the wealthiest men in all of Europe, traveling alone in an attempt to clear his mind in order to work on the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus.

Messr. Alfred Escher, 46 Years Old, Swiss⁵
Banking and Railroad Magnate, Lawyer
An absurdly wealthy entrepreneur, founder of Credit Suisse, traveling to meet with Czar Nicholas to discuss extending a line of credit to the nation.

Messr. Heinrich Goddart, 55 Years Old, Swiss⁶
Lawyer and Facilitator for Messr. Escher
A well-dressed, extremely intelligent and capable individual, traveling with Messr. Escher, having been in his employ for almost 20 years.

Helmut Thorrssen, 34 Years Old, Swiss-Norwegian⁶
Bodyguard for Messr. Escher
A hulking brute of a man whose appearance belies his intelligence.

* Some Notes about Historical Accuracy:

1. In actuality, Margaretta Eager was dismissed from the Romanova household in 1904. However, it fits the story that the Duchess be acccompanied by a chaparone, and since Margaretta was her real governess, we're going to use her.

2. Doyle and Houdini actually were good friends. You cannot imagine how awesome this synchronicity worked, since we had decided we needed "a magician" and a "mystery novelist" before even seeking out people.

3. We've moved Amelia Earhart's date of birth back by 10 years because she's just an awesome character and fits the story perfectly. In reality, she was graduating high school in 1916. But she was an adventurer, and, let's be honest, she's eventually going to discover R'lyeh and disappear there.

4. Ludwig Wittgenstein was serving as a howizter engineer on the Russian front as part of the Austro-Hungarian army (where he won bravery medals). However, his personality and what he is famous for, as well as his great wealth, makes him a perfect character candidate. So we're going to rewrite his history a bit.

5. Alfred Escher, who founded Credit Suisse, actually died in 1882. But we need a famous, powerful banker, so we move him forward in time.

6. The two bodyguards and Heinrich are not real individuals, but they are important because they (or others like them) would be there. They may be relegated to NPC status if more interesting "celebrity" types are included (currently in the running: F.A. Mitchell-Hedges [explorer, and the man who claims to have found the Crystal Skull], Bertrand Russell, Pablo Picasso, and H.P. Lovecraft).

Red Redemption FTW

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 06:41:03 GMT

Somehow, and I'm still not certain how this came to be, my crazy-ass, hyper militant and religious cleric became the leader of the party.

Within recent weeks, I kind of re-specc'ed Brother Victus (who is now Father Victus, bitches) to be more of an investigative, authoritative kind of guy. I moved away from the hyper-religious and vocal firebrand and more into a subversive "hunter" package. Further, based on his background, I rebuilt his personality: he is from Gunmetal City, which is kind of like "Deadwood". So think "Al Swearengen as a Priest" and you've got the idea.

The person playing our ostensible "leader" moved back east and is now MIA. Which leaves our party in the following configuration:

A Psyker, never trusted (Maynard)
Two Killers (both assassins, KBK and Jeremy)
A Dude Who Is Basically A Tax Collector (Golden)
Myself, the only person with a Fellowship score to command people.

Since my character's "package" is based around communication, deception, and command, it so happens that I am now the most qualified to lead. In fact, if any other players accept that I am the leader, they get all sorts of crazy bonuses (for those in the know: Command, Air of Authority, Iron Discipline).

So, hey. The crazy dude who wants to burn everyone? I'm in charge, bitches.

Orks

Fri, 29 May 2009 07:01:45 GMT

Tonight, for the Greater Glory of the Emperor:

Dudes Tortured/Interrogated: += 1 (My base interrogate skill is sick. It's like 85 or so.)
Orks and Gretchin Cleansed and Purified by Fire: 23 (Flame weapons + Cleanse and Purify + Room full of Orks and Gretchin and No Exits)

Our crew is trapped on a space ship with a bunch of Orks. The Orks are fighting each other. My character's opinion is that this is not our job to investigate. Fuck this; we're Ordo Hereticus, not Ordo Xenos. I want to find mutants and heresy; not aliens. This is a kill-job; we're being sent on this mission in order to get killed.

Also, I was gifted a holy, ancient crossbow. It has a name, and a history, and was made with wood from Terra. Eat that, bitches. I'm now a Cleric.

Geneseed of Destruction, Finale

Thu, 28 May 2009 23:04:46 GMT

Oh, yeah.

As detailed previously, I was running a Dark Heresy storyline. Last week, the story closed out.

It was not as climactic as one might hope for.

When we last left our heroes^H^H^H^H^H^Hplayers, they were trapped in a long hallway after killing a mutant and his servitor droids. Pretty much immediately after this they got into a big firefight with the house guards, who were trying to prevent them from, you know, breathing.

This went predictably. There were some injuries but the players persevered. They then decided to get out of the house/palace so as to call in some heavy thunder. And they came outside just in time to see that the heavy thunder had already arrived in the form of several squads of Inquisitorial storm troopers.

Those guys rushed past them and they could hear a bunch of gunfire and people dying. During this time, they discovered that the Space Wolves, a chapter of Space Marines, were about to begin orbital bombardment of the planet having been told by Markus (now revealed as a traitor marine) that there was an Ork infestation.

There was a bit of tense conversation where they revealed to the leader of the Space Wolves what they knew. The Space Marines, as usual, were curt and dismissive. And then they launched a couple drop-pods to the planet, one of which landed in front of the palace where they had just escaped from.

Ten Space Wolves went in; there was the sound of bolter fire and many explosions. Then quiet. Then they heard several methodical "pop-KUNSH" sounds as (presumably) the marines put head shots into the fallen enemies. Ten Space Wolves came out, this time with the body of the other traitor marine, Jeremiah, as well as the Holy Box of Progenator Glands.

At this point, they got a vox-call from the Space Wolf leader. It was short and succinct, in a deep, muffled Russian accent:

"Human. Situation dealt with. Both traitors eliminated. Sorry about destroying doors of library. End transmission."

While the players were watching a squad take out the Tzeentchians in the palace, a second squad had landed at the Library (the local Inquisition HQ), stormed the place (destroying the doors in the process), and killed the traitor apothecary.

They (the players) think that there was some sort of back-stabby deal going on between the Tzeentchians and the Nurglites, but that was never resolved or deeply investigated. Since everyone in the palace was killed, no one will ever know.

Anyways. Afterwards, the arbite character (Louis) was promoted to full Inquisitor, so everyone else is now his staff.

Topical

Tue, 26 May 2009 22:13:42 GMT

California Supreme Court and Prop 8: K-lame

Sonia Sotomayor: Don't know enough to form an opinion

Stratocaster: We're becoming friends, but she cut one of my calluses last night

Internet Explorer: Suck a chubby

Whiskey: My love and my enemy

Kids: Get off my damn lawn

Strat-ified.

Mon, 18 May 2009 20:41:04 GMT

I bought another guitar today. A Stratocaster.

American-made neck with Rosewood fingerboard; Nicaraguan mahogany body, vintage Fender pickups in mid and neck position, plus a hot noiseless pickup at the bridge. Vintage tremolo.

Why? Because I realized I'd been getting lazy. With the Omen tuned to drop-d and beefy strings, it was easy to do so. Now, I like playing that style: crunchy, heavy, oppressive. But I also want to be able to dance around. This requires that I practice a lot more in standard tuning, with lighter strings.

This led to a wonderful adventure yesterday where I spent all fucking day restringing the Omen. I first unstrung the beefy strings (11s) and replaced them with super slinkys (9s). I was getting hella fret buzz, though, so I tuned it tight, and that sounded awful. So, fuck it, let's go to regular (10s). I had one pack of regulars, so I unstrung the 9s and strung it with 10s, and predictably, broke a string.

I have no more. So I decide, okay, I'll go to this music store on Haight, which is closer and less hellish to me than Guitar Center. Only, I forgot about Bay to Breakers. Which meant that the Haight was filled with a bunch of drunk people in costumes and parking was hellish. So a 15 minute errand turned into an hour.

I bought five packs of strings.

Home, and I wound up the 'e' and then in the process of stretching and tuning broke my 'g'. Of course. But luckily, I had spares.

Then I thought to myself, "Self, this restringing shit is going to get old really fucking fast." So I just decided to say fuck it: I'm gonna keep the Omen with heavy strings and in drop D, and use the Strat for delicate work.

Further Tales from the Grim Darkness of the Far Future

Sat, 16 May 2009 18:34:45 GMT

As chronicled previously and previously, I am running an adventure in our weekly game of Dark Heresy.

This week's adventure was mostly about investigation and putting the pieces together - specifically, investigating the Space Marine who brought them the mission in the first place.

The first did a DNA analysis on the "dog boy" they had killed and determined that it was a conglomerate of 12 different gene-sets, one of which was a perfect match for a child of one of the noble families, the Mik'lau, that had gone missing some 12 years prior. They then set out to investigate the family, which was, coincidentally (or not) based on their current planet.

This particular noble house gained much of its wealth through the ownership and management of several "death worlds" - harsh planets, needed for some sort of resource.

Due to some incredibly good rolls, our inquisitors managed to discover something about both Space Marines. Namely, that they are biological "cousins." They both came from the same gene-stock. The gene-stock of the Mik'lau family. They both came from different worlds, but the Space Marines take recruits from nearly all Death Worlds.

Further, they discovered that the world that Markus (the Apothecary and supposed "good guy") hailed from had been lost to Chaos some 5 years back. Specifically, to Tzeentch, the God of Change.

At this point, they opened a case on Markus and made him their primary target of investigation. But one does not just accuse a Space Marine of heresy. So they went to go visit the Mik'lau household, under the auspices of doing a large tax audit.

After some hullabaloo about authority and getting past the gates, they were met by the house seneschal, a very tall, gangly man dressed in flowing robes. I had him speak in a weird sing-song voice, something that the players hated. They immediately wanted to burn him.

He escorted them in the house along with five floating servitors, all the while explaining that they could not possibly see the master of the house because he was currently undergoing a biological rejuvenation process, and was sleeping inside an induced coma.

After more and more pressure about seeing him - even to verify that he existed, the seneschal turned on them. The back of his robes split open and twelve barbed, iridescent, and segmented "arms" came out of his back. And they had a combat with a Tzeentchian mutant and five servitor droids.

This went about as expected with two hitches: the mutant had an incredibly high willpower, and thus was effectively immune to the psyker's attacks, and his arms were able to cast some sort of hypnotic spell on the characters. This almost went. . . incredibly poor for the players, as the gun assassin got whammied by it at first.

Anyways. They got him down with a shocksword and then cut his head off. A bunch of dusty spiders came out of the neck and scurried off.

They decided to call in the Inquisitorial storm troopers at this point, which is where we left off.

Next: A dungeon crawl filled with mutants!

On The Lost Season Finale

Thu, 14 May 2009 19:00:26 GMT

Last night's season finale episode of Lost blew away my beloved theory about the island within the first five minutes. However, it actually gave rise to a new theory, which I shall share with you shortly.

Spoilers abound. Stop reading now if you don't want to know anything, though all I'm discussing really only happens before the first commercial break.

My previous theory was that the island was some sort of alien spacecraft and that the "governing intelligence" was some kind of telepathic and telekinetic creature. It could create figments out of thin air, sometimes drawn from the memories of people. These figments can (and have) interact with the people on the island.

The smoke monster was sort of a telekinetically driven machine. Richard was a kind of "servitor robot". The idea of "Jacob" was just an avatar of the island's "governing intelligence".

There were holes in this theory, mind you: the fact that Miles talks to dead people is one.

Anyways. That's a dead theory.

HERE THERE BE SPOILERS.

The kicker in the game is the introduction of Jacob's "true self" and his. . . "other". This adds a new element to the game: there are now two governing intelligences on the island. And the other one (no name given) seems to hate and want to kill Jacob.

This brings us full circle to a major, recurring theme in the show: duality and the conflict between the two. It makes sense, if there are two people (immortals? intelligences?) that are in conflict with one another. The backgammon speech, back in the pilot, starts us down the path. Another important things to remember include that pretty much everyone has a dysfunctional family, and half of the characters are in major conflict with their fathers.

So here goes my current theory:

1) The Island is the Garden of Eden, on which is located the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
2) The Smoke Monster is the personification of the Arch-Angel Uriel, whose job it is to guard the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It could also be that the Smoke Monster is the Serpent, but I don't see it ever tempting people, only judging them.
3) Jacob is (or is meant to represent) Able, and the other one is meant to represent Cain. In popular Judeo-Christian mythology, Cain slew Able. The entire meat of that myth is filled with all sorts of groovy symbolism with matches up with the theory.
3a) (It could also be that they are actually meant to represent Jacob and Esau, twin brothers, children of Isaac, but those two don't really have the same level of symbolism.)
4) This theory brings back the idea of the mystical to the island. This solves why Miles can see dead people, for instance, or why people are healed on the island. It also explains why the "Island provides".

Discuss.

The Antidouchebaggitarian Manifesto

Wed, 13 May 2009 07:07:10 GMT

I realize I am neither Republican or Democrat. I am socially liberal but fiscally and governmentally conservative. This creates a problem. So I'm going to make my own political party.

Here is the Manifesto of the Antidouchebagitarian Party. I am still working on some of the language and finer points. Feel free to comment.

1) Don't Be a Douchebag. This should be self-explanatory, but for the morons in the crowd we'll spell it out: leave me the fuck alone. The government should only be involved in the lives of its citizens where specific issues affect the society and not the individual. In other words, unless you have a specific legal reason to be sticking your fucking schnoz into my diapers, get the fuck away.

1a) End Governmental Recognition of Marriage. The word "marriage" is not a secular term; it has deep religious connotations and the government isn't in the business of managing people's belief in a wizard in the sky (or lack thereof). The government should recognize "civil partnerships" and afford the rights of what we call "marriage" to those unions; those are legal partnerships. It shouldn't care what those partnerships are for.

1b) Women Get to Choose to be Pregnant or Not. A crazy idea, I know, but we don't live in the middle ages anymore. Terminating pregnancies is a very personal choice, and one that the government has no right talking about.

1c) Fuck Off With Criminalized Prostitution and Marijuana Use. The taxes we could get from the decriminalization of these two things alone would be gangbusters. Plus, we could regulate two industries which are high-crime (and, in the case of prostitution, possible health threats). This also reduces police and court work load.

2) Science Makes the World Better. Ever wonder why no one you know is crippled from polio? Science. Ever wonder why smallpox doesn't kill hundreds of thousands every year? Science. Ever wonder why cancer isn't a death sentence? Science. As a species, we have one biological advantage that allowed us to get out of the trees and stop eating a diet that consists only of bananas: our fuckin' brains. Let's use 'em.

2a) Fund Research. This isn't just about medical research, but scientific research in general. Research brings in all sorts of happy stuff to our lives. We had no real practical reason to go to the moon but because of the research into that we got ball point pens and Tang. Practical science is secondary to research science; it's a result, not a cause. Smart people understand that general research will always make a society stronger (which leads to bullet point 3).

3) Be Selfish and Greedy. Don't take more of my money than you need. However, we are aware that when our whole society is stronger, we are stronger as individuals (since we are members of that society). So the laws of selfishness dictate that we want to enable the bulk of society to be productive, educatated, and protected. This may mean taking a lot of my money, but I also recognize I'll get the value back in other ways.

3a) Universal Health Care is a Must Have. Why? Because if everyone has even basic wellness check-ups, we will reduce our vulnerability, as a society, to interesting things like, oh, epidemics and bacteriological terrorism. Why is this greedy and selfish? Because if you don't get sick, you can't infect me with your cooties, dumbass.

3b) Education Spending Should Be Paramount. Why? Because if the populace is smarter, we do smarter things as a group. That means not passing dumbass laws based on the ten commandments, for example, which makes life better for everyone. It's selfish because a smarter populace ensures my job stability - which, in turn, ensures yours.

3c) Municipal Organization Spending Should Also Be High on the List. I'm talking cops and firemen and paramedics. We need to spend more money on the police force. I don't mean throwing more cops at crime; I mean throwing more money to make better cops (also maybe more cops). A handful of smarter police and fire departments with modern equipment will go further than a mass of poorly trained thugs.

3d) Infrastructure Spending Should Also Be High on the List. Sitting in traffic sucks. It makes my life less fun. Let's make my life more fun. This may require spending money. Bridges, roads, tunnels, trains, planes. Transportation is very important, but so also are things like clean water and power.

4) Lead Through Example and Not Fear. We should want to be our leaders, not fear them or the boogymen they purport to protect us from. This sort of ties into bullet point 1. Actually, it really ties into bullet point one. But I leave it as its own point because we shouldn't be doing shit like torturing people or starting wars over oil.

4a) With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility. If some group in the Congo decides to start butchering another group in the Congo, and we can stop it, we should. Because we can do it, even if others can't. We have a moral imperative to not let people get raped and butchered. This speaks to a global society. I'd like to say we should be isolationist but I can't: we are a global power.

4b) All For One and One For All. Civitas Romanae. This sounds stupid to say under point 4, but here goes: Fucking with one of us is fucking with all of us. This should be our foreign policy. I'm not talking about legal mumbo jumbo; I'm saying that if some stupid crew of fundies in the world decides to declare war on a citizen of our fair society, that we should step up to the plate and lay down the hammer.

4c) Don't be Obstructionist. We are for the people. The people may not often want what we think is best for them (something we can theoretically cure with better education). Be loud, be aggressive, be inflammatory, but ultimately bend to the will of society.

California Douchebag Politics

Wed, 13 May 2009 06:09:31 GMT

(This is about California state budgetary politics, which is pretty dry reading. However, if you bear with me, I'll try to make this funny while also being educational. Also attempting to foist my political views on you [mostly that I want to get Prop 13 repealed].

Those of you not living in California, feel free to buzz off and pick your noses or whatever. Eat some paste.)

My fellow Californians,

On May 19th, we have a super-exciting Special Election! I love these things. These are the elections where we spend a lot of money trying to fix or undo all the things that a bunch of morons voted into law in previous elections.

This particular special election is based around the Great California Budget Crisis of 2008-2009¹.

Let's start with an overview about why we have this budget crisis. It's quite simple, really, and has to do with the following cycle of madness:

A) The state budget is determined legislatively: the state's constitution says how much we have to set aside for any one program (be it education, super trains, or even government salaries)
B) The state budget requires a super-majority to pass (that's 2/3s of the State Legislature who have to agree to the budget)
C) The state budget is constitutionally required to balance
D) Any fucking lunatic can write any fucking lunatic amendment or proposition and get it on the ballot without much effort, which brings us back to the madness of item A, above

You may be thinking to yourself, "Self, I'm pretty sure the problem is the fault of all those dirty Republicans!" (or, if you're a Republican, you may want to blame the Democrats). You couldn't be more unbelievably wrong!

The roots of our problem lie with Proposition 13, voted into law in 1978 (so it's really your parents' fault, if they are from here). Now you may be asking yourself, "Self, what does a cap on property taxes have to do with our budget crisis?" I'm glad you asked!

Not much.

It's a secondary clause in the legalese that's the killer. In layman's terms (cribbed from the wiki):

"In addition to lowering property taxes, the initiative also contained language requiring a two-thirds majority in both legislative houses for future increases in all state tax rates or amounts of revenue collected, including income tax rates. It also requires two-thirds vote majority in local elections for local governments wishing to raise special taxes."

So this is where we get our utterly moronic "Super Majority" bit from. 2/3rds of our elected officials have to agree to raise taxes - any taxes. And as we all know, getting 2/3rds of a bunch of people who have vested interests in getting re-elected to agree to raise taxes. . . well. It's just not gonna happen.

(Warren Buffet, Ahnuld's economic adviser and like, the richest guy in the world, suggested that it be repealed to help avoid problems like this.)

By and large, Californians enjoy spending money on programs. Some of these programs are smart while some are lunatic and stupid. However, the quality of these programs really doesn't matter because I think that we, as a state, seem to think that money just comes from some magic fountain someplace. A measure says that the budget will allocate seven billion dollars for reforestation? Sure! Who knows where the money comes from; that's the governor's problem. Write it into the constitution, stat!

(This may be why a state of liberal Democrats needs to have Republican governors. We need a father figure.)

So that brings us to the special election, which is a mash of both good ideas and bad ideas. Pete Rates does a pretty good job of laying out the props and which ones are good and bad.

I suggest you familiarize yourself with it (read: don't be a douchebag; understand what the fuck is going on).

I pretty much agree with everything he says though I'm still vacillating on Prop 1A (I may likely vote "NO" on it). As a general rule, I vote NO on everything, especially if it isn't very clear, or it seems like a band-aid on a problem. Voting "No" never makes things worse while voting "Yes" can (small government FTW!).

I should write up a manifesto for my new political party, which I am tentatively calling the Antidouchbagitarian Party.

I definitely agree with his argument against Prop 1F - specifically that it comes across as vindictive and childish.

Anyways. Go vote on May 19th, and don't be a douchebag when you do so.

1. Who knew that there would be a Wikipedia entry about this?

Star Trek

Tue, 12 May 2009 06:20:42 GMT

This is going to be spoilerriffic. Stop reading now if you don't want anything spoiled.

Seriously, not fucking around.

Tonight I went to see Star Trek with Maynard and KBK. I'd wanted to see it earlier, but the universe kept throwing new things at me. Anyways, while we were busy tearing apart a pig yesterday, KBK suggested we go to the movie tonight.

I loved it.

I grew up watching the original Star Trek series. I was never a big "Trekkie", but one of my fondest memories is being eight years old and watching episodes with my father. I remember that I didn't really understand exactly what was going on, but these dudes had a space ship and frickin' lazers.

The show didn't air very often. I would see episodes from time to time in syndication, but I never really "got" Star Trek until the Next Generation (a premiere that I watched with my father, also). So, for me (and I'm gonna lose some geek cred here, maybe), the characters of Kirk and Spock and Bones didn't really resonate with me in the way that Picard and Riker and Data did.

Until now.

I'm not sure if this is because I have a knowledge of the original series, or remember the characters and how they act, or what they are supposed to become.

Star Trek is an origin film. By and large, I enjoy well-made origin films. With many iconic characters - from film, television, comics, books, what have you - there are usually only three stories that are the most important: their origin story, a major event or quest (usually the story that can be considered the "defining moment"), and then the last story (usually the death of the character).

So Star Trek is the origin story of Kirk and crew.

(Arguably, the "defining story" with the original characters is Wrath of Khan and the "final" story is The Undiscovered Country; Generations was a punk-out bullshit story and unsatisfying.)

And yet, it is also not an origin story. The fact that it is "in canon" with the previous films and shows pleases me. The way they inserted it into the canon while still "rebooting" the franchise was, in my opinion, very well handled.

Stuff I Really Liked:

The casting. Karl Urban's performance as Bones was spot-on: he had obviously spent a lot of time watching old footage of DeForest Kelley, getting his weird vocal and eye foibles inserted just right. Simon Pegg was an inspired choice to play Scotty. There were a lot of heavyweights there; just good, solid choices. I totally didn't recognize Eric Bana.

The fact that Spock "Prime" was not just a minor cameo. He was a full-fledged cast member. Obviously a Deus Ex Machina, to be sure, but it set up everything well and it was nice to see them treat Nimoy with respect.

I liked the fact that Uhura and Spock have a "thing" going on. An Uhura/Kirk pairing is the obvious choice, and the film head-fakes at it several times, but ultimately seeing her and Spock together is satisfying.

Sabotage. It just works well, with the added, secret bonus nod to The Undiscovered Country and Valeris' "sabot" speech.

Sulu getting to be a bad-ass. I thought the "fencing" line was going to just be fan service but then he busts out the katana and goes to town.

The fact that Vulcan gets destroyed. Wow. That I didn't see coming. It completely rewrites everything we know about Spock and his people; they're now an "endangered species".

Stuff I was Meh About:

The ice monster. It felt overly gratuitous. Plus, I've seen enough monsters that have mouths inside of their mouths. The thing must have a hell of a time finding a dentist. Plus, what crazy kind of evolutionary process creates a red-skinned creature on an ice world?

Winona Ryder. I normally like her a lot but she felt out of place.

The depiction of San Francisco. Let's be honest, guys: the zoning and planning commission would never allow such large buildings to be erected here. A stupid thing to be "meh" about but hey. It's my city; I love the skyline.

Scotty's side-kick thing. It felt like an ewok, or a Daggit. I kept hoping it would die.

Christopher Pike's wheelchair at the end. Come on, guys. It has to be the super cool one with the blinky light.

The car going off the cliff. Meh; I liked the scene up until the cliff. I get that wrecking the car is going to be important to establish how nihilistic Kirk is at this point, but we don't have to have a cliff.

The number of times people hang off cliffs. Kirk's got to have strong fingers.

I liked the planetary drill in many ways but the fact that it somehow disrupts communication channels seemed kind of "plot requires that we can't let them talk" driven. Also, the drill crew without pressure suits seems weird, but that's just me turning on my brain too much.

Anyways. Go check it out.

Swinepocalypse

Mon, 11 May 2009 20:03:59 GMT

Yesterday, in celebration of the Swinepocalypse, several of us gathered at my place and ate a lechon, which is basically a roasted suckling pig.

What is the Swinepocalypse? I'm glad you asked.

The Swine Flu has been terrorizing the world. It is slowly but surely turning the bulk of humanity into ravenous Pig Zombies. I felt that we needed to prepare for that: for the fact that, in the near future, our diets will consist primarily of bacon, ham, sausage, and other pork products as we are reduced to butchering our infected former loved ones for baconfoods.

We tore the pig apart and we eated it. KBK brought some pearls to throw before the swine. Then we played a lot of Rock Band.

Photos here.

Now, I've got a lot of pig in the freezer and a big pot of bones simmering on the stove for soup.

Also, there's a pig skull in my freezer.

In the Pines, Pt. III

Sat, 09 May 2009 18:54:14 GMT

Previously and previously, I wrote that I had been dicking around (with others - Maynard and Jeremy) with a version of In the Pines, an old traditional folk song from where I grew up.

The lyrics to the song and the story it tells change a lot. In a 1970 dissertation, Judith McCulloh found 160 permutations of the song. Sometimes the girl is raped, sometimes, not. Sometimes the man is killed by a train. Sometimes not.

Anyways, certain bits kept sticking in my head, and I realized that, subconsciously or not, I had my own version of the story. So I wrote up some new lyrics for it that change its tone somewhat. The "narrator" is revealed unambiguously to be both the murderer and a ghost, forced now to eternally wander through the Pines (hell, maybe?), searching for his girl.

In the Pines

My girl, my girl, Don't lie to me
Tell me where did you sleep last night?
In the pines, in the pines,
Where the sun never shines
I'll shiver all the night through

Her father was a hard-workin' man
Lived a mile and a half from here
Her head was found in a dried up well
But her body never was found

My girl, my girl, where did you go?
I hid away from my whirlwind sown
In the mines, In the mines,
Where the sun never shines
I shivered all the night through.

My breath was chill'd in the tunnel's air
A murder, girl sixteen years old
The sheriff came and he shot me there
Left me dead in the coal dust and cold

My girl, my girl, don't lie to me
Tell me where did you sleep last night?
In the Pines, in the Pines,
Buried bones, bound with twine
I still wander, searching for you.

My girl, my girl, where did you go?
I'm goin' where the cold winds blow
In the pines, in the pines
Where the sun don't ever shine
I'll shiver all night through

In the Pines, Cont.

Fri, 08 May 2009 07:48:56 GMT

Earlier, I transcribed a version of In the Pines.

I had been playing it well enough on my own, and enjoyed it.

Tonight, Jeremy brought over a violin. That, combined with Maynard playing bass, made for an excellent test of my transcription.

We rocked the living fuck out of it. You might say to yourself, "Self, how can adding a violin be 'rocking the living fuck' out of something?"

The answer is that the song is not about "rocking". It's about experience. Lanegan's version is angry; Cobain's is almost psychotic. The way we were playing it was . . . sadder. I'm not pissed at my girl for sleeping out; I'm sad about it.

It was interesting how the violin worked. It was both "lead" and "not lead". I don't say it was "rhythm" because it can't be - not with its treble - but it could drop to the background and let another instrument come forward.

We experimented a lot with the song itself and discovered that it had a lot of room for exposition in all areas. Between the more "obvious" verses, we could drop into long, winding jam sessions. As long as one of us kept the basic four or five notes in sequence, the others could walk all over town.

I'm really digging on the bowed instrument additions.

We'll have to get some amplification on vocals for it. Though, to be honest, I'm actually not sure the way we played it requires vocals. Maybe only a single verse, spoken or sung cleanly in the right place.

I do know that my vocals sounded about four million times better when I sang from my heart rather than trying to mimic Leadbelly or Lanegan or Cobain. I am sadder than Lanegan or Cobain, with less baritone.

Totally happy about it.

Tips for Newbie Java Programmers

Thu, 07 May 2009 02:17:59 GMT

A few tips for aspiring java developers out there.

Let's say I write you a specification and I say that I need a method, public Foo write(Foo f). This means that I want you to write a method that persists a Foo object, f, to the database, and returns me the same object, only with the id set.

Here is how NOT to write it:

public boolean write(Foo f) {
  if (f.getName() != null) {
    // write
  }
  return true;
}

Let's go through what's wrong here, step by step.

First, you're giving me a boolean response. True or false. That's not what I asked for. The reason I want the Foo object back is so that I can reference its ID later in the game.

Second, if the lack of the "Name" field is going to cause the write to fail, TELL ME THIS. Throw an exception. Do not silently simply choose not to work.

Third, if it fails, and you still can't send me the Foo object back, at least return false! In this case, I will *always* think it works. Always.

A better way to do this method is this:

public Foo write(Foo f) throws Exception {
  if (f.getName() == null) {
    throw new Exception("Name is null");
  }
  try {
    // do the write, throw an exception on error.
  } catch (Exception e) {
    e.printStacktrace();
    return null;
  }
  return f;
}

Do it this way, and I'll be far less likely to stab you.

Sovereignity and Secession

Wed, 06 May 2009 18:58:25 GMT

You know what never fails to make me laugh?

Dumbass conservatives who don't have a sense of history.

Today, the Oklahoma House of Representatives passed a resolution that declared the state as being "sovereign" (warn: autosound). This is the second time in as many weeks they've done this, actually - the first time the Governor vetoed it.

The resolution states pretty much that Oklahoma gets to do what it wants. But, you know. They don't have to return any federal funds.

(That's not how it works, guys. You want federal money, you submit to the authority of the federal government. I'm not too happy about the size of it myself these days but that's how it works in a democratic republic.)

Oklahoma isn't alone in this crazy. Several other states have done similar things:

Georgia pretty much said they believed that the US Government was on the verge of nullifying the US Constitution if any more laws are passed that could be considered "infringements on the right to keep and bear arms".

South Dakota and Oklahoma both passed similar resolutions.

This is all getting pretty much unnoticed due to Texas governor Perry saying that he was contemplating seceding from the Union. He says it's legal and above board, that Texas reserved the right to secede if they wanted when they joined the US of A.

(He is, of course, wrong. It's totally illegal for states to leave the Union - and it's option to secede was revoked after the Civil War. You might think that someone who is supposed to know the legal stuff about thier state would know that. But hey, when has reality ever gotten the way of a sound byte?)

I don't understand secessionist logic. These are people who claim to be the ultimate patriots and are talking about leaving the union. How is this hypocrisy not brilliantly visible to them?

But further, what happened to all of the "anyone who doesn't support the president is a traitor" rhetoric? I know that I, personally, was told I was being treasonous several times when the Republicans had power. I mean, what changed in the country that made them do such a radical flip-flop of opinion?

Oh, yeah. They became a minority, regional party.

As near as I can tell it's "All for one and one for all as long as it's all for us". That seems to be the mantra.

Here's a reality check to all this secessionist and sovereign talk:

You are not sovereign, no matter how much you wish otherwise.

You are not going to secede.

Hint: We already fought a fucking war over this issue. You lost. And I guaran-fucking-tee you that any president since Lincoln would rather send tanks rolling down the streets of Houston and arrest everyone in the legislature for treason than allow for another Civil War.

It's just not going to fucking happen.

Words to My Future Muse

Wed, 06 May 2009 05:11:12 GMT

Words to My Future Muse
2009

I want to crave the taste of your presence
The spicy salt of your skin
I want to become an addict for you

These are words whispered to the softer ears
Of she who shall be my Muse
Further out, in the black, as yet unseen

I will make monuments to you, for you
Future archeology
Touch you, hold you, kiss you, bruise you, fuck you

In the fog, cold sound breathes to me, through me
There is a deep hunger there
A grumbling murmur, do you hear it, too?

I dream of blackened ships and rose petals
Of lost poems I've yet to write
I awake alone and melancholy

I know now why the poets drink and die
They lose the taste of their Muse
Replace her with liquid love and whiskey