Jörm von Motörhead

Dear Lazyweb RE: iPhone and Google Calendar

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 17:40:15 GMT

So, is there any way to sync appointments I make *ON* the phone up to Google Calendar? There doesn't seem to be an easy^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hany way to do this, which I consider to be a bit of a failing.

I have discovered the following magick:

1) I can create an account on the phone for an Exchange server and point it at google calendar. This allows stuff created on *Google* to sync to the phone.

2) However, in order for me to create appointments on the Phone and sync them to Google, I have to create the appointment in the "google" thing, which I don't suppose is so bad except that I have several years worth of stuff already in there.

Is there any way to get those older appointments moved over *at all*?

On Home Networks

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 20:12:16 GMT

This post is about recent changes to network technology in my household and discusses problems and how I solved them. Unless you are interested in my experiences with home networking and the like, this will be of no interest to you whatsoever.

I swear.

The Problems
Over the past several months, a great many devices and systems in my household have been suffering what I can only describe as a kind of bit rot. This has been frustrating because it seemed like everything was failing at once.

The main problem is and has been the wireless system, named SERAPHIM. SERAPHIM was set up about 4 years ago and it shows. For one, it is WEP and not even 802.11G, since the laptops present in the household at the time weren't able to handle more "modern" wireless technologies. Further, the router was required to be upstairs in the apartment and the signal degrades heavily through the floor.

SERAPHIM is also a very flakey network. Connections dropped constantly and there seem to be a hard limit of about 5 IP connections it could handle. If a machine came on the network (like, say, an iPhone), and the table was full, it would sometimes kick another machine off - but most often, the machine (usually the X-Box) was unable to connect.

Which brings us to the other big problem: the fact that the X-Box had to be connected to the intertrons via wireless. This is a sub-optimal situation for many reasons: it slowed multiplayer gameplay, obviously, but doing things like streaming Netflix sucked ass. Further, I have like, seven "Media PCs" around the place, and streaming from wireless-to-wireless is just plain maddening.

Obviously, ether is the solution here, but running ether from the upstairs (where the DSL drop is) to the downstairs is just not happening.

How Things Got Solved

Mostly through the magic of Power Line. This was something I wasn't even aware existed until very recently and it is completely bad-ass. It is a technology that turns the power circuits in your house into ethernet lines.

You plug this little box router thing into a wall socket and connect it to your internet modem. Then, go to another room in your house, plug a second box into a wall socket there, and BAM! Instant ether without wireless. And it's fast: up to 200mbps.

Josh/Destri introduced me into this technology and leant me a set to experiment with, to see if it could work. I had some concerns that the powerline would only work if the plugs were on the same circuit breaker but that doesn't appear to be the case. Destri's devices worked, so the next step was to buy my own.

Maynard and I went to Best Buy and picked up an Netgear Powerline AV kit. This was the top of the line model and it's not cheap ($130 clams at Amazon), but it works. So: one adapter is upstairs next to the modem, the second is now downstairs by the X-Box.

I also bought a new wireless access point for the downstairs. I could have moved the SERAPHIM access point downstairs but it is old and flakey so fuck that. I bought a new 802.11N AP (sixty bux) and connected it to the Powerline adapter.

Since my DSL set up is anything but standard (it's all static IPs), getting the new AP working was more of a chore than I would like, but it's up and running (under the SSID of REDRUM). I have WPA encryption on it and all the laptops are now connected to it. The X-Box is connected into its switch and is now hard-lined at 200mbps to the DSL router. So it's fast.

So far I've not had any drops but I want to give it a couple days before I feel secure about it.

I thought about retiring the SERAPHIM access point but what's the point? I might as well leave it running as a "guest" network.

Anyways. So far I recommend this crap. My opinion may change later, though.

Dear Lazyweb: RE: Hobos

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 07:13:21 GMT

Dear Lazyweb,

I am looking for information about - or even proof of existence of - "modern" day hobos. Not bums or homeless people, but hobos. People who move place to place, usually by trains, and do pick up work.

Any help will be appreciated, my little Google-monkeys.

Love, Jorm.

Assassin's Creed 2: Stupidly Fun Stabbification

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:24:28 GMT

Today, after what amounts to several days of addiction-style playing, Maynard and I finished Assassin's Creed II, the sequal to last year's unsurprisingly titled Assassin's Creed.

Previously and previously, I had written not one but two reviews about the game wherein I complained about many flaws and bad design decisions therein - one before full completion and one after. Because my opinion about the game changed so radically with completion, I decided to wait until I was done playing this one.

Bullet Points, I Can Haz Them.

1) It has been a long, long time since a game addicted me to this level;
2) My playing it got Maynard addicted, and he ended up logging more hours into it than I did;
3) All the shit I hated about the first one is gone.
4) In my opinion, it is currently tied with Batman: Arkham Asylum for my Game-of-the-Year (my review)

Ten-Thousand Feet Fall Into a Bale of Hay.

Assassin's Creed 2 is a third-person perspective parkour platformer with plenty of pernicious perfidity in the form of fatal face-stabbings and stupefying stunts. It has four primary gameplay elements: killification, explorification, renovation, and stamp-collectification.

If you've ever played any of the modern Prince of Persia games, you'll have an idea of how the parkour/platforming mechanics work. While the first game's parkour was ultimately kind of weak, this one uses a lot of the actions from the 2008 Prince of Persia reboot. The controls can be both super fluid and frustratingly difficult. However, while in Prince of Persia, the parkour is super important, AC2 is more about the act of, you know, assassinification of dudes.

Hence the title.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby.

Oh, man. There are sooooo many great gameplay elements introduced here.

First, unlike the first game, where you could only blend into certain types of crowds and had to follow their pre-defined paths, you can blend into any crowd now. You immediately become invisible to guards if you're standing in a crowd. It's a kind of "group camo" and it's a powerful bit of strategy.

Second, (and the most useful element, in my opinion) is the ability to hire groups of NPCs to do your bidding:

1) Whores, who are "excellent" at distracting guards for you, cannot follow you on rooftops, and are shit-ass at fighting for you;
2) Thieves, who are "okay" at distracting guards for you, can follow you over rooftops, and are "okay" at fighting for you;
3) Mercenaries, who can't follow you over rooftops and cannot distract shit, but are "excellent" at killifying people for you.

The best part of any of these groups is that hiring them provides you with a "group camo" that moves with you. I spent a hell of a lot of time wandering the cities surrounded by a bevy of hookers.

Much like my real life.

Moving on.

The collectible system has been revamped and is actually fucking useful and fun. There are about five major kinds of collectibles, and they range from treasure chests to paintings to pages of the Assassin's Codex (you want all of them), to Assassin Tomb seals (you really want all of these - there are six, and getting each one is a hell of a lot of fun), to the trivial (eagle feathers).

Most of them are used to increase the value of your family's villa, which is the entire "renovation" gameplay. As your villa gets more valuable, it earns more money. This bit was a bit unbalanced; about halfway through the game we discovered we had no real need to obtain money because we had a stash of 300,000 florins on hand at all times.

The most fun (for me) collectible were the "glyphs". Unlocking each one was a kind of "memory hack" that sort of explained where humanity came from - the origin of the species, as it were.

Gone are the tedious, repetition missions. Gone is the unavoidable combat. Gone is the tedious combat. Introduced are a bunch of cool new weapons (poisoned blades, a pistol, multiple assassin blades, etc.).

Time Keeps on Slippin', Slippin', Into the Future.

Storywise, AC2 is a much tighter, well-built beast than it's predecessor. The game takes place in 15th century Italy. There are several major cities that you will get to explore fully (Florence, Tuscany, Forli, and Venice) plus a couple "half-cities" (the Villa, a country-side, and eventually a bit of Rome).

There are a couple really famous people that you interact with for a bit (who knew that Machiavelli was a member of the Assassin Order?) but the bee's knees is that you have a big relationship to Leonardo Da Vinci. Leonardo does all sorts of cool things for you - building your bad-ass weapons, translating Codex Pages, giving you missions, whatever.

The cities themselves are vibrant, living things. Each one has a deep history and identity and they do a good job of immersing you in the culture and time.

The "core" story arc - the one that takes place in the "present" - is significantly better explained and much tighter. There seems to be A Plan now, and that will pay out in the next game (I expect - it kind of ends on a "To Be Continued").

And In the End...

Buy this game. It's easily 40 or 50 hours worth of stabbifying fun.

Call It Doody. No, Seriously.

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:26:58 GMT

I have now finished Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I am decidedly in the "thumbs down" camp about it, for several reasons which I shall attempt to express in a humorous manner.

This will be filled with spoilers. They won't make much of a difference, though; knowing what is "going to happen" won't change your enjoyment of the game since most levels are basically the opening sequence to Saving Private Ryan, only in different terrains.

We'll cut into sections.

What I Liked

This will be short.

The game is gorgeous. It's well rendered, never stutters, and the levels themselves just look great. The voice acting is really good and casting Kevin McKidd as Soap was brilliant.

Okay. Moving on.

This is the Best Quake Remake I've Played in a Year

I already played this game back in 1996. It was called Quake and it was made by iD Software. You may have heard of it.

In 1996, Quake was a paragon of graphical virtue. It was one of the most beautifully rendered games ever seen, even if every color on the screen was a variant of "shit brown". Your mission: go from point A to point B, killifying everything in between.

Like Quake, Modern Warfare 2 is a paragon of graphical virtue for its time (except most color on the screen is a variation of "concrete grey"). With a few exceptions, your missions consist of killifying everything between point A and point B.

Only, you can't killify everything because the enemies will respawn constantly until you move forward to a checkpoint and the "story" can progress. I've had people say "no, they removed the infinite wave spawns" but I think that's clearly, demonstrably false. I can think of at least one part where I was pinned down by guys on a roof in some Brazilian slum and I killed over forty of them before I said "fuck it" and just ran.

This is called "Fake Difficulty". It is only hard because shit continues until you wave a magic wand (get to the checkpoint) or you get killed.

The previous game in the series, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, interspersed the Gun N' Run levels with several well-crafted stealth missions (which I loved) as well as some neat gimmick missions.

Not so much in this one: there are only four (out of sixteen) misions that have any kind of "stealth" component in CoD:MW2, and those turn into "Gun N' Run" about a third of the way through.

To be sure, there are some neat elements inserted (like bashing people to death with riot shields) but these snippets of awesome don't really make up for the non-awesome. Some of the levels are really neat (fighting through a suburb in Washington, D.C. is an experience, despite the goon waves and stupid tank AI), but I already played a game where the Great Mall had been turned into a war zone (it was called Fallout 3).

The Writing and Plot are Laughably Bad

I think this game takes place in the same weird universe as Army of 2, because that's the only way I can hope to explain the logic of the plot.

Here's the run down: There is a Russian terrorist named Makarov. For motivation unknown, he decides to start a war between Russia and the USA. He sparks this by taking a team into an airport and killing all the civilians. Your character is an undercover CIA operative inserted into his team; you are part of this mission.

At the end of the mission, Makarov shoots you and leaves you dead. Now, the Russians will find an American in the slaughter and think that, for some reason, the United States decided to commit wholesale murder on a bunch of civilians. Yeah, that sounds like us.

(Well. Actually, yeah, we'll kill thousands of civilians in an airport, but we'll do it using bombs and not M-60s.)

Anyways. Based on the overwhelming evidence that this Awful Happening was orchestrated by the President of the USA, the Russians decide to invade America. Fuck diplomacy or any kind of investigation; we're moving at lightspeed into Red Dawn.

Cue the rest of the story, where we have an inevitable betrayal by someone whose motivations are ripped right out of The Rock. He will immediately become "The Big Bad" and the terrorist who started it all (for reasons unexplored) - Makarov? Who knows. We drop that plot line like a hot potato.

I want to step out of the Game World for a moment and talk about how laughably stupid the idea of this war is. Maynard asked a really, really good question: "So, how come China isn't declaring war on Russia?"

Seriously? You think China is just going to sit by and watch their number one trade partner get roughed up by a bunch of Cossacks over evidence which amounts to a shell casing?

Let's ask "why did they start their invasion in DC?" You don't think our NATO allies would notice the movement of that kind of hardware over Europe? Further, what possible tactical sense does it make to take a target like DC? We're a (relatively) decentralized military; far better to give into Sarah Palin's prophecies and come in through Alaska, destroying the pipeline and working to cripple our fuel production.

Whatever. Vladamir Putin's got his shit together, I guess.

The storyline just doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever. It's an season of 24.

Bitch-Ass Ending

Seriously? The entire game boils down to a quicktime button game? "Press X to pull the knife from your guts and win the game."

I'm totally serious here. And it's an irritating "X Press" sequence - you have to hammer the fuck out of it for almost a whole minute.

Further, the ending doesn't stop the war! The evidence never gets to Russia, nothing. Maybe you're meant to think it does, but as far as I know people are still fighting when the credits roll.

Not So Much With the Modern Warfare

This game is set "five years later" from the original Modern Warfare, which pegs it around the year 2017. Okay. Where is my augmented reality system? My GPS? My fucking iPhone has two of them; you'd think that the special forces would get that shit working ASAP. They probably already do.

How come I'm doing all my fighting trench-warfare style? There's two places where you (briefly) get to use a predator drone but no places where we see things like Big Dog or other robotics (which, by all accounts, is the future of warfare).

In fact, the soldier of 2017 bears little resemblance to what the soldier of 2015 is supposed to look like (according to Rumsfeld, at least).

Having a Good Multiplayer Does Not Make You a Good Game

Yeah, yeah, yeah. "The single player sucks, but the multiplayer is awesome." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've said it before and I'll say it again: if you're making a multiplayer game, make a fucking multiplayer game. I have little interest in getting called a faggot on XBox Live.

You know what the most fun multiplayer game I've played in a long time is? XBox Live's Uno. You laugh, but I'm not kidding.

If I drop 60 bucks on a game that purports to have a great single player game, I want a great single player game. I don't want apologies.

Request For Comments: Churchmice Rules

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 21:07:16 GMT

For my upcoming "Churchmice" horror game, I've been playing around with various types of systems. At first I was thinking to just simply not use a system but that seemed to point towards chaos. Then I thought to use something along the lines of "rock/paper/scissors" for resolutions.

That actually seemed too limited: I wanted to allow players to say "my mouse is super fast" or "my mouse is super strong" and then doing things like granting bonuses to things like dodging got overcomplicated. How do you handle that when there are only ever three outcomes (win, loss, tie)?

What I'm currently working on is a system that has everything handled with a single die roll on a d6, combined with a series of "trait cards." Any task that requires resolution is rolled on a d6. At least, I'm currently thinking to just use a single d6 (it may be that I want to move to 2d6).

TRAIT CARDS

Trait cards are "playable" during Events (or "encounters"). A played card will modify a thrown die. This does not have to be the player's die; it could be an opponent's (see below).

Trait cards have names and effects that make sense but are also *very* simple and basic. They are spendable bonuses on die roles and map to what amount to basic attribute scores:

FAST: Applies +1 to anything involving speed (including dodging). Playing this card is like tapping the nitrous pedal in a car.

STRONG: Applies +1 to anything involving strength/body toughness (including damaging other things). Playing this card is like forcing an endorphin boost.

SMART: Applies +1 to anything involving brains. Playing this card is like forcing a lightbulb to go off in your head.

LUCKY: Applies +2 to anything, given GM's permission. Playing this card is like, well. Lucky. This trait card costs twice as much to buy as the others.

I am toying with other traits ("resilient", maybe, or "holiness"), but I'm not sure how well they'll mesh.

Once a trait card is played, it's gone for the rest of the encounter. Players will get to pick 5 (actual number TBD) trait cards at the beginning of the game. So if a player wants thier mouse to be really fast, they might just pick five "Fast" cards, giving them what amounts to a shit-ton of dodge.

For ease of gameplay, we just assume that all mice (and similar creatures) have the exact same "stats". This way we don't have to worry about math, only the trait cards (with what amounts to two exceptions - species advantages/disadvantages and injury - below).

As long as the GM allows for it, trait cards can be thrown on anyone's dice attempt - even an enemy's. So, a mouse could throw a "Fast" down on a cat's attack roll, reducing it's chance to hit (which is how "dodge" would work).

TASK RESOLUTION

For the most part, most tasks should be story-determined and not require rolls. For example, if a mouse says "I want to climb the rope", it should automatically succeed (this is something mice do). Unless, of course, he's trying to climb a rope that's on fire, or trying to do so while being attacked by a crow, or some other kind of duress.

A die is rolled. The result determines the degree of success, thus:

ONE Abysmal failure; there will be some sort of negative effect.
TWO Failure with no negative effects (other than failing)
THREE Failure, but only barely. If the task could be attempted again, give 'em a +1 next time.
FOUR Success, but just barely. Could be negative effects (e.g., the mouse makes the jump, but is stuck hanging to the ledge)
FIVE Straight success.
SIX Superb success. May grant future bonuses (e.g., if trying to understand some writing, the mouse will get a +1 on future attempts from the same book).

Players may play Trait cards on their own die rolls either before or after the roll.

If the player is playing a Trait card on a roll that is not theirs (including another player's), the card must be played before the die is cast.

Exception: "Lucky" cards can be played at any time.

Initiative is a special resolution; all characters involved roll a d6 and then go in descending order. Players may spend Fast cards on initiative checks.

(Play examples are below)

SPECIES TRAITS

Since cats, mice, rats, owls, snakes, and humans have different characteristics, we have specialized trait values that are applied to them but only when interacting with other species. Human beings have relatively the same speed, but compared to a human, a mouse is "faster". Thus, if a human is trying to swat a mouse, he's going to have a -3 on that attampt always. However, a human is nearly always going to do 45 points of damage to a mouse if he connects, while a cat will only do 1 or 2.

This is going to be very vague; I could make a big chart, but we'll just let the GMs handle it as they see fit.

INJURY

Mice are going to have three states: Healthy, Injured, Dead.

Most mice have 2 "injury levels" or hit points. If a mouse takes an injury level, they're given an Injury card. If you get more Injury cards than you have hit points, that's it: death.

In every task resolution, the Injury cards are applied. They are not applied per event but serve as a permanent (until healed) -1 penalty to all actions. If you have two Injury cards, you're at -2.

Variant: allow mice to buy an extra injury level in exchange for a trait card (thus buff mice who are less capable), or buy an extra trait card in exchange for an injury level (thus we have a weak mouse who may be extra smart).

In combat, if a "hit" is scored, the GM makes a "damage" roll for the mouse. The mouse can apply either Strength or Fast cards to the roll. If the end result is a 3 or 4, the mouse takes an Injury card. If it's a 6, the mouse takes 2 Injury cards. If this results in more Injury cards than the mouse has available... Well. That's that. Meeces to pieces.

EVENTS

Game time is divided into Events. An Event is of an arbitrary and vague length of time, determined by the GM, but nearly always consists of a single encounter or series of chained tasks. The obvious choice here is a single combat, but it gets trickier when you do things like "study" tasks. In that case, an "Event" is anything from a couple hours time to an entire day, depending.

For example, if a character is trying to decipher the text in the crumbling book and chooses to do nothing else, the Event for that may take a full "day period".

At the conclusion of an Event, the player will get all of his cards back. Events are always considered to be "over" if the character loses consciousness.

PLAY EXAMPLES

Combat: Cat Versus Mouse

Cats have a +1 damage bonus when hitting Mice and Mice have a -2 damage bonus when trying to hurt Cats. Otherwise, it's all the same.

Our cat, Caesar, has 4 trait cards: 3 Fast and 1 Strength. The mouse, Mark, has 5 trait cards: 3 Fast, 1 Strength, and 1 Lucky.

Initiative is rolled:

Caesar rolls a 4 and applies a Fast card, giving him a value of 5.
Mark rolls a 3 but decides not to apply a Fast card, since he's going to go second anyways and wants to save the card.

Caesar takes a swipe with his paw at Mark. Mark's player declares that he is going to apply not one but two Fast cards to dodge the attack. Caesar rolls a 4 - a marginal success - but this is reduced to 2 given Mark's dodge, so it's a failure.

(At this point, Caesar has 2 Fast and 1 Strength card while Mark has 1 Fast, 1 Strength, and 1 Lucky card).

Mark decides to book across the room to a mouse hole. Normally, this would just be an action, but he has to get around Caesar to do so, and it's under duress. Having spent two cards already, Mark doesn't want to waste them ahead of time, and just decides to roll. Caesar, being sneaky, plays a Fast card to prevent Mark from succeeding. The die roll is a 3, resulting in a 2 (minus 1 from Caesar's card).

Mark could spend his last Fast card now but still won't succeed so he decides to save it.

(At this point, Caesar has 1 Fast and 1 Strength card while Mark has 1 Fast, 1 Strength, and 1 Lucky card).

Caesar decides to end this and attacks. Mark decides that he really doesn't want to get hit, and spends a Fast card. The die result is a 6, reduced to 5 from Mark's Fast card. Caesar, however, is a bit of an asshole, and now spends a Fast card (he can affect his roll after the fact), bringing the result back up to a 6. This is a "superb" hit, and the GM says that it will give Caesar a +1 on his damage roll.

(At this point, Caesar has 1 Strength card while Mark has 1 Strength, and 1 Lucky card).

Caesar spends his last card (Strength) on the damage. Mark counters it by spending his Strength card to resist the damage - thus flattening the bonus. The die result is a 3 - but cats are +1 damage versus mice, which results in a 4, which means a success for Caesar. Mark is now given a single Injury card, having gotten smacked in the head, and is now at a -1 penalty for every action.

(At this point, only Mark has a card - a Lucky).

Mark decides that he absolutely wants to get the hell out of town, so he tries his escape roll again. This time he rolls a 4 - marginal success. However, he's at -1 due to injury, so this reduces it to a 3 (marginal failure). He decides to spend his Lucky card, which gives him a +2 bonus (resulting in a 5 - straight success). Mark manages to duck and weave through Caesar's paws and escape through a hole in the wall.

Modern Warfare 2, First Thoughts

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:26:25 GMT

I'm about halfway through this game, Modern Warfare 2.

I'm not a fan so much yet.

It seems every mission is either

a) Pure "Run n' Gun";
b) Run n' Gun with a stupid gimmick (e.g., "tell the tank to actually shoot people instead of sitting there stupid"); or
c) Something Neat and Different that quickly turns into A or B.

I'm on some oil rig right now. The first part of the mission was the fucking bomb: SEAL stealth infiltration, killifying dudes, rescuing hostages. Then, suddenly, it turned into "Waves of Enemies that Keep Respawning until you Move Forward to an Arbitrary Checkpoint." How there seem to be an infinite number of Russians on board a fucking oil rig I'll never know.

So, does it get better?

To my mind, "modern warfare" isn't so much Running and Gunning. It's sitting far the fuck away and killifying dudes with predator drones (which you get to do, actually - but only for like, 3 seconds). Modern warfare is about killing as few people as possible.

It's very pretty. But the story line is. . . actually pretty fucking laughable.

Seriously, guys? Red Dawn? That's your plot?

There was a big deal made about a "controversial" mission in the game. Well, that mission was pure option C there. In the mission, you play an undercover CIA operative who has infiltrated some Russian terrorist group. And your terror cell waltzes into an airport and murders all the civilians. That's the mission: kill civilians. And you have to do it. (Of course, it quickly turns into a Run n' Gun, and is promptly followed by your character getting shot in the head and killed).

I can see why people call it controversial but it was supposed to be emotional or something like that. I didn't feel anything of the sort; it was pretty much the third mission (and only the second playing that specific character), so I didn't give a fuck about him, and, well, you know, I've played a lot of Grand Theft Auto. Mowing down civilians is a hobby in that game, so doing so in CoD:MW2 evoked the same response.

Anyways. Not seeing the hype so much. Maybe it gets better. I'll definitely finish it but I'm kind of sad I blew the dosh on this.

Why I'm Done With Twitter For Good

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 20:38:17 GMT

First off, Fuck You for making me a beta tester without me opting in. This is like, the fifth time that's happened.

Second, what the fuck is this happy horseshit?

(I know this person is a friend of someone I know and so forth. My complaint is not about them or the message, but the fact that some random joe has been inserted into my timeline now.)

I've trained my eyes to ignore lines that start "RT @Whoever". I'm not interested in that. Now I have them just showing up wherever and whenever?

I'm sure someone thought this was a good idea but no, no.

2012: Disaster Porn of the Four-X Kind

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 01:02:32 GMT

My review of 2012 is really, I think about, the director. So be warned.

Let's just get the obvious out of the way: Rolan Emmerich directs porn. It may not be porn that shows penises and va-jay-jays, but it is porn. To be precise, he directs disaster porn. Which, like, you know, sexy porn, has a direct correlation between "excitement" and "plausability".

Stargate was his first real foray into porn. It's relatively softcore in nature - the type of stuff that shows up on Cinemax late at night. Totally not plausible, but then it's a movie about aliens and really how often do scads of horny cheerleaders check into super expensive hotels in the Carribbean? Not often, I tell you.

His next film - Independence Day - was his first foray into the XXX genre, and despite some flaws it was a fun ride. High budget, some A-list stars, and a plot that provided moderate entertainment during the "down time". Still smack full of implausability (who believes anyone when they say "It's okay; I've been snipped!") but okay.

Then he did Godzilla, which was. . . well. Remember that time you pulled down a movie because it had some great keywords in the description, and it was kind of hot for a while, and then suddenly someone is peeing on someone else and the film has gone to "nonononono" land? Godzilla is like that.

Then he did an artsy porn, The Patriot. This was the disaster porn equivalent of The Story of O: overly long, too much talking, and then the mood is ruined when Udo Kier opens his mouth. Someone gets "stabbed" with a "flagpole", there are some jingoist words spoken, and we reach for the tissues.

Emmerich returned to his XXX strengths with The Day After Tomorrow, which was also wonderfully implausible but hey, some people find Ron Jeremy attractive.

Let's just not talk about 10,000 BC because that was more like one of those incomprehensible flicks that get churned out of basement studios in Italy.

This brings us to 2012. In this film, Roland is trying to break that mythical "fourth X" wall. It's what my friend Christian calls "Spleen Porn": the film doesn't fuck around with foreplay; it goes straight for the starfish, do not pass go, do not collect two-hundred dollars. What we call a "plot" is really just the DVD menu flickering around as one picks a "chapter".

If you like this kind of porn, this movie is for you. It's long, though, so bring extra kleenex.

Systemless Gaming

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:28:45 GMT

My next "game event," entitled "The Mischief of the Great Squee," poses several problems with regards to the gaming "system."

Specifically, it doesn't lend itself to . . . well. Any of them that I or any of my players may be familiar with. I mean, the player characters are going to be churchmice. The game is "Rats of NIMH" meets "Prince of Darkness".

(The closest system that might work that I can come up with is Bunnies and Burrows, a game from the Dark Period of the 1980s. I am pretty sure I own a copy of it, but I don't remember seeing it in a long time, so who knows. My library has about 30 years of gaming cruft built up; shit gets lost.)

So, for real. I could spend a lot of time hacking together some simple d20 variant, or even a d100 thing, but what's the point?

All of the characters are mice.

What's the point of picking up skills? They all have the same ones: running, climbing, hiding, chewing up shit. They all have the same claw/claw/bite attacks. There doesn't seem to be a lot of point in spending a lot of time trying to hammer a basic system into a game that will be comprised entirely of "special rules."

So, I think I'm going to go, uh, "systemless." No dice, no structure, no nothing. Just players saying "I do this" and then the GMs saying whether or not it works based on the needs of the story at the time.

My hope is that this grants more power to the players to define what happens. If they can justify how and why they should be allowed to do something, why the fuck not? If the players get too clever early on, we just ratchet up the bad-assery of the conflict to match the storyline as is being "written" by the players.

So, anyone have experience running a purely "systemless" game, and know of any caveats I should be aware of?

Cthulhu: Mischief of the Great Squee: Prehistory

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 02:19:14 GMT

The next Cthulhu game is coming. This one is . . . radically different. Here is some background story.

This is the story that the Eldest Mouse tells to the pups.

"Gather 'round, little ones, you pups, you squee, and I shall tell the story of how we came to be.

Once upon a time, here in fair Jaru-Selme, we were but dumb and liken to those we call "squeakers". The gift of speech was not upon us then, and our instincts were our only moral compass.

There came a day when the Squee Most Holy, the Pup of The Great Mouse in the Sky, him the Furless Giants call "Mr. Jesu", was born and dieded near This Place. The Romish Cats stuck pins into his paws and left the Squee for the Snakes. And he dieded, and was bound in ropes, the Squee Most Holy, and placed in the Tomb Not Far from This Place.

But the Great Mouse was Ears Up, and saw that the Avatar was died. So the Great Mouse went to his Pup and whispered into his ears: Awake, awake! And so the Great Squee awoke from deaded!

But the Squee's paws were bound! He could not escape the Tomb Not Far from This Place. And a sadness came upon the squeakers and the dumb, and they knew of this. So a small mischief crawled between the cracks of the door of the Tomb Not Far from This Place. And they found the Great Squee, bound in ropes, but in the form of a Furless Giant.

Being dumb, they knew not why they did what they did. They set about to chew away the ropes bounding the Great Squee, so that he could be free again, and leave the Tomb Not Far from This Place, and go to hissown Mischief, the Twelve Squee.

But before he rolled the rock away from the Tomb Not Far from This Place, he said to the teenies, "You mischief! You have saveded me, and the Great Mouse loves you! Forever shall you have a Nest in my name, and from this moment you shall no longer be Squeakers, but shall have speech!"

And lo! The mischief was struck with the gift of ManSpeech! I should hope not to tell you the obvious - that we are all children of that mischief. For that is how you and you and I are not squeakers but are part of the Holy Mischief of the Great Squee, and why we live so long and deeply.

For generations of pups, we have Nested in This Place. We collect the Lost Things, and ready for the return of the Great Squee. This is what we are, and who we are."

The Ballad of Gay Tony: Brotherly Love and STILL Not In That Way

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 03:57:52 GMT

The Ballad of Gay Tony, Grand Theft Auto IV's final downloadable content package, dropped this week and I figured I would waste my weekend on it. I loved the previous DLC offering, The Lost and Damned, so I was more than happy to drop the dosh for this one.

I am currently paused halfway through the final "storyline" mission so I think I can talk about it.

The Ballad of Gay Tony is a parachuting simulation game with some side-time spent at Studio 54. I almost wish I were joking about that but I'm not: a rather disturbing percentage of your missions in this game involve parachuting and/or helicopters. Or jumping out of a helicopter with a parachute. The largest mini/side game in TBoGT is actually (wait for it) base jumping.

The guy who sells guns out of the back of his van will also sell you parachutes. Just sayin'. There's a lot of emphasis on it.

When you're not parachuting, you're usually going to be either a) stealing weird shit for some hyper-rich spoiled Arab; b) murderizing people for some Russian gangsters, or c) running errands for the game's title character, "Gay" Tony Prince, your business partner, with whom you own two nightclubs (one gay, one straight).

So, blah-de-blah. Let's just get the "gameplay" conversation out of the way.

This is a Grand Theft Auto game. That should be all you need to know about it. I will say that Rockstar has performed admirably and up to par by including a mission that is ri-COCK-ulously difficult, and they did it at the beginning of the game.

(You'll know it when you hit it; it's called "Sexy Time" and it seems easy until you have to shoot down some escaping gunboats and then you'll start crying. My advice: Buy a bunch of rocket launchers. Find out where the boats land. Take the copter there; land early; wait; shoot them with the rocket launcher. Just don't even try to do it with the helicopter because, for real, you'll start crying.)

Other than that, the story missions are pretty much a combination of GOTO/KILLALL. The side missions are interesting (club management, for instance), and there are now another 50 birds to kill (I'm soooo not doing that; 250 pigeons was enough kthnxbye).

Are we done with the gameplay conversation? Can we talk about the story and characters? Because that's the juice.

Despite the game's title, you do not play Gay Tony. And now, I imagine a whole slew of homophobic and gay-curious-but-denying-it-by-pouring-on-testosterone dudes sighing in relief. No, no. You play Luis Lopez, who is straight (and actually somewhat of a player). Gay Tony is your boss.

Previously, I've spent a lot of time focusing on the psychology of the protagonists in the previous two games, Niko Bellic and Johnny "The Jew" Klebitz. They are interesting characters and worthy of study: Niko is a clever nihilist; Johnny is a clever optimist.

Luis is a different sort of person.

He's a man with a flexible moral code, obviously. We wouldn't have a Grand Theft Auto game without it. He is an Hispanic from the projects, and his past life comes to haunt him from time to time. He spent some time in the pokey and when he got out he hooked up with Tony and became a business man - and a successful one.

Like Niko and Johnny, Luis is a clever. But he's neither nihilist nor optimist; he is a pragmatist and a realist. He doesn't really have any pre-concieved notions about how the world works (like Niko and Johnny); the world just is. He doesn't believe that it's out to "get him" nor does he believe that it is his pal.

Luis is a funny guy. He has probably the best dialog out of the three primaries, but that is possibly because there's no real emotional baggage associated with it. When he dresses someone down, it feels genuine: he's a "really real" dude. He's got no bullshit about him whatsoever.

Sadly, this kind of makes him boring.

The most interesting character in the game - and perhaps in all three games - is Gay Tony himself. He steals every scene and every conversation he is involved in. He's smart, funny, clever, driven, and powerful. He's not a mincing stereotype; despite his nickname, his sexual orientation has little to do with defining who he is.

The banter between Luis and Tony feels very real. Tony is a surrogate father for Luis, and the two of them have a very real love for one another (but Not In That Way). The previous games have explored "male bonding" (Johnny Klebitz and his crew; Niko and Roman), but hadn't really stepped into the father/child or mentor/student relationship space. This is what we explore.

Tony is a man with problems. Many of them. A large part of the story's drama is derived from watching him self-destruct through a series of poor choices. There comes a time when we wonder if we shouldn't just cut Tony loose and let him rot, but he continues to surprise and delight.

So yes. I'm saying that the most interesting character in a video game that I've been exposed to in probably 10 years is a 45 year old, gay nightclub owner with a drug problem who is experiencing a mid-life crisis.

And I never thought I'd write that sentence.

The Ballad of Gay Tony is about a 10-15 hour experience, and worth the money. You should play it. It won't turn you gay; I swear.

Brütal Legend: a Love Letter to the Trüe Metal

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 20:23:53 GMT

Brütal Legend is a game where yoü wander aroünd exploring a world torn straight from the cover of Dio's Holy Diver and pay homage to the Trüe Metal.

Büt more on the game in a moment.

I have, in my possession, a jean jacket. It has an old-school Iron Maiden backpatch (poorly sewn in places, held on with safety pins, natch). The jacket provides me with a strange level of internal comfort and pleasüre. Not becaüse it's cool or rockin' or whatever (it is) - büt becaüse it says to me, "roots."

"This is my history."

I was a metalhead growing üp. My Roots gain noürishment from the dark potted soil that is Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Led Zeppelin, Ronnie James, and the Prince of Darkness himself, Ozzy. Smoking cigarettes and listening to Judas Priest, getting stoned and thrashing to Metallica, playing Dungeons and Dragons while listening to Slayer. Camping oüt all night for Mötley Crüe tickets.

We üsed to watch Headbanger's Ball jüst for the faint hope that they might play the video for The Last in Line. I decided to learn Latin jüst to translate the writing on the borders of Sacred Heart.

Did yoü know that the rünes on Ozzy's Speak of the Devil albüm are actüally written in the Dwarvish langüage from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings? I fückin' did. Me and my coüsin spent all night one day translating them. They talk shit aboüt Sabbath kicking Ozzy oüt of the band.

So, I say to yoü, dear readers, that this game. . . I wish I had written it.

Brütal Legend (and we have to üse the ümlaüts) is a tribüte to everything that is fine and good aboüt the genre of Heavy Metal. Tim Shafer and Double Fine are sending a message: "We ünderstand yoü."

The game takes every goofy heavy metal fantasy that has ever appeared anywhere and türns it into reality. Smokey, apocalyptic landscapes? Check. Hot chicks in leather? Check. Giant fücking axes? Check. Melting people's faces off with güitar solos? Check. Driving aroünd in a soüped üp Deuce-Coupe listening to Diamond Head's original Am I Evil? Check.

It's so fücking cheesy büt that's what makes it so fücking wonderfül. I'm going to try to explain the in-jokes throügh the üse of hyperlinks.

What's to say aboüt the gameplay? Yoü play the part of Eddie Riggs, the world's greatest roadie (voiced by Jack Black, who for all he irritates me from time to time, knows the Trüe Metal).

Eddie can büild anything, repair anything. He has the Trüe Metal in his heart, büt he's stück working for a "nü-metal" boy-band and it's crüshing him.

Literally, it türns oüt, becaüse aboüt 1 minüte into the opening cüt-scene he gets killed by a falling beam from the stage. Büt it so happens that he has a magical belt bückle, and when blood reaches it, he is transported to, well, the Land of Dio.

There, we qüickly find Eddie embroiled in a power strüggle between the good, oppressed people of Trüe Metal. They are led by Lars Halford (who looks süspicioüsly like Robert Plant). Also in this motley crew are his sister, Lita, The Kill Master (voiced by Lemmy, natch), and a hot-badass chick named Ophelia.

Together, they fight against the evil glam rock army of General Lionwhyte (who is voiced by Judas Priest's Rob Halford).

Yoü have a variety of weapons, the most powerfül of which is Clementine, yoür magical güitar. With the right güitar solo, yoü can melt people's faces off, or sümmon creatüres to help yoü, or raise relics from the groünd.

It's an "open world" büt picking üp missions is üsüally pretty linear. It's mostly "drive aroünd and fück shit üp" büt then from time to time there are elements of "real time strategy" and command. The first several missions are aboüt büilding an army of headbangers and metal chicks. Yoü'll control them, and yoü have additional abilities that yoü can üse with each "ünit type".

For example, go near a ünit of headbangers, and yoü can enter "Mosh Mode". They form üp aroünd yoü and jüst bang heads, which yoü can then üse to protect yoü and jüst walk throügh large groüps of goons, knocking them down.

To be honest, the game isn't aboüt the gameplay. It's got pretty müch yoür standard tropes foünd in sandbox games now (side missions, collectibles, üpgrades). They have a different paint scheme, one that was made from The Trüe Metal.

And that's what this game really is: it's a love letter to the Trüe Metal.

And those of üs who have heard the siren call of distorted drop d and felt something break forever inside. . . it's a love letter to üs, too.

Pulling the Plug

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 23:26:39 GMT

So, the month-long wind-down of my game has come to a close, and I'll be shutting it off for good tomorrow night. The "end game" has been a fun thing for me and my testers/development team to handle. We did it slowly:

First, access to the "outer" planes was cut off. Slowly but surely, other planes were locked away, until only the Purgatorio (a giant void filled with small "islands" of land) and Valhalla (the "earth" zone) remained. Then, elements of the void started eating up Valhalla. . .

Eventually, the main island in Valhalla was "moved" to the Purgatorio and Valahalla itself was shut off. At that point, the "memories" began appearing: shards and snippets of poetry, broadcast as global messages. These have served as my "bookend" for the game, and serve to connect one of its central themes back to itself.

Here is a log of the "memory shards", including my final speech to the players. They were broadcast in sets, over multiple days.

Set One:

There is a sudden flash of light from all around that blinds you momentarily. As your eyes return to normal, you momentarily see several unknown rune shapes.

Visions and memories, not your own, flood your mind.

There are the eyes of a woman, auburn-haired. Laughing. Her name is Molly.

Here are the cracked and peeling houses of the neighborhood where the you-who-is-not-you grew up.

Two small boys are chasing a dog through a field. One of them has a bb gun, and will shoot it in the side. The wound will get infected, and the dog will die.

The blonde woman buys ice cream for her son. His name is Clay. He has a liver disease. The sun is setting.

The sun rises behind the tower, spreading golden light across a field of yellow grass dotted with sleeping horses. The king is dead; you have failed.

You will hear the racous cries of the fishermen selling their wares one day; the whack-whack snicker-snack of knives gutting tuna and salmon.

The wails of the slaves, so viscous, a pathetic, liquid sound. Mayhaps you'll eat one soon.

You should speak to her. That girl. You know the one I mean. Tell her soon; the world is ending.

The symbols fade and the world rightens.

Set Two:

The true name of the Maker lies hidden between the muted rhythm of a heart beat and the liquid eeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah of the lungs. Thrum thrum thrum. Thrum thrum thrum.

The dentist grimaces as she sands bits of dried epoxy from a patient's tooth. The teeth are stained - too much tobacco and coffee - and the filling doesn't match.

A handful of dirt splatters on the coffin. The mortuary gave out cards; one side has a picture of a saint, and the other side has the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. You fold it without thinking and put it in your pocket.

His name is Richard. You can smell his lust; it's a oily tang in the city air. He intends to sleep with the blonde stripper. He will fail. You order another drink and wait, the gun heavy in your pocket.

The prisoners sing spirituals as they work along the road. The pounding of rocks punctuates each verse. The noon sun gleams dully off the black steel of the guard's shotgun.

A young brunette woman leans out of an apartment building to watch a wedding processional in the street below. This moment is captured on a greasy stream of film. It will be one of the few photographs of her. She will die a few years later, the victim of a genocidal pogrom.

Thrum thrum thrum. Thrum thrum thrum.

Your grandfather is teaching you how to twirl a gun. His enormous hands effortless spin an antique Colt while yours struggle with a cheap, tin pop-gun. You are four years old. He will soon die, and this will be your only memory of him.

Gently the child bobs in the water, bouyed by an air-filled vest. She smiles and gurgles as she learns to swim.

Every time a baby is born in the ward, the nurse presses a little button, and strains of Brahms are heard through the floor.

The tangy smell of cordite fills the air as the deranged assassin finds his mark. The musician dies, bleeding into the gutter. His widow cries over his body.

He is furiously stabbing at the tree where he had carved their initials together inside of a heart. Tears blind him, and he cuts his hand.

The cat is in pain. It does not know how to communicate this to its mother. Instead it sets down, glassy-eyed, barely moving.

Thrum thrum thrum. Thrum thrum thrum. Thrum thrum thrum.

Several thousand miles away, an unsung poet dies.

Set Three:

Thrum thrum thrum. Thrum thrum thrum.

She touches his hand, accidentally, electrically. "I'm sorry," she says, but doesn't mean it, not really, he is so handsome. Her name is Hannah; his Francis. One day, in the future, she will bear him a son who will become a president.

You sit at the edge of the lake. Your fishing rod is a simple thing: just a stick with a nylon line tied the end and a bright orange bobber above the hook. Father has a *real* fishing rod, with a reel and everything. There is a metal bucket filled with small trout; he caught them. You will never be happier than this moment, being a son in the moment of your father, who loves you more than you can know. Eventually, you will drift apart, and then together.

He said, "We shouldn't tell anyone about this," as he touched her. She sighs.

I have to let you go. You are no longer mine.

Her name is Tatinana. She likes playing with her doll. Her father is important somehow but she doesn't quite understand. Someday, in the future, she will help to hold down a soldier while a surgeon violently removes a bullet from his chest.

Thrum thrum thrum. Thrum thrum thrum.

She doesn't understand. The boy pushed her in the sand; she just wanted to go down the slide. Mother wipes away tears with a cheap tissue. There will be ice cream.

OHGOD OHGOD OHGOD DON'T FUCKING DIE ON ME YOU BITCH. ohfuck you're overdosing. don'tyoufuckingdieplease. Here, take some speed; maybe that will make you well until the ambulance comes.

Things have never been so swell.

The knives! The knives! Once, twice, five, twelve, twenty, they stab and stab. The pain, the pain - my cloak, my hands, the floor, they are painted crimson, this cannot be my blood. That cannot be my son...

I watch the fireflies swarm in the heat. They twist and dance among the eddies of the late summer night; I think of the girl I am crushing on and wish she could experience this with me.

Thrum thrum thrum. Thrum thrum thrum.

He is a gentle boy. He loves creatures; he loves the world. Nervously, he tells his parents that he thinks he is gay. "You're no son of mine," father says. "I didn't raise no faggot." There are bruises the next day.

I read your fucking book. Did you hear me? I READ YOUR FUCKING BOOK.

The blood washes down, mixing with the dirt, collecting in the cracks of the soles of my shoes. "I'll have to scrub that out", I think.

She lifts the bowl of soup to her mouth. She thinks of a man she used to love. He boarded a ship one day and she never saw him again.

Thrum thrum thrum.

Thrum thrum thrum.

Set Four:

Thrum, thrum, thrum.

That girl, the one with dishwater hair, the one over there...

"Faggot! Faggot!" They scream this at me as they beat me but I'm not gay! I'm not! Stop! The gravel sticks into my skin, my skull lifted and pounded into it. Jesus, jesus, jesus, STOP.

Here sings the sun. It shines yellow upon the trees. They are golden in its light. I step across a broken branch and take her hand. Her touch is electric, like a jellyfish.

There is a burbling sound as he tries to breathe. Bubbles of blood collect around his mouth; ohgod it hurtssobad. The wrecked motorcycle lies five meters ahead; the car drives off.

"I want a divorce," she says. "I never really thought we had a future together." There is a flash of patience, then a flash of rage. There is a crunching sound as you punch the wall, bloodying your knuckles. "THEN WHY DID YOU FUCKING AGREE TO MARRY ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?" you scream. The wall will bear the mark for two years before it is cleaned.

Thrum thrum thrum. Thrum thrum thrum.

The monitors sing. deet. deet. deet. deet. deeeeeeeeeeeet. My friend dies from cancer, unknown, alone, in a hospital in New York. His parents are informed of his illness when they are called upon to claim his corpse.

"I do this for her," he thinks. "She'll love me when it's done." Finger pulses on the trigger: once, twice, thrice, four times. Secret Service tackles him, but the hornets find their marks.

As he lays to rest, her cat settles on his chest and purrs. He is accepted. Once he sleeps, she will slink away, her purpose complete.

"I've seen you around," she says. "You're noticable. 'Hey, whose that rockin' dude, there?'" Stunned, no words, the event passes without notice.

This is your world. This is your life.

Live in it now or be a spectator forever.

Thrum thrum thrum. Thrum thrum thrum.

Set Five:

Thrum thrum thrum. Thrum thrum thrum.

It is July 2nd, 1961. The voices say, "take the pills! Take the pills!" Do it, papa. Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. Best of all he loved the fall / The leaves yellow on the cottonwoods / Leaves floating on the trout stream / And above the hills / The high blue windless skies / Now he will be a part of them forever

Christ, she is so beautiful, and I'll never. . . I'll never be able to talk to her again.

"I want you to listen to this," she says. "I think you'll like it." It's a trip-hop drum-and-bass cd. He listens attentively because she is hot and he likes her. He tries not to think that the lyrics mean anything.

A small voice in the back of my skull says "no, stop" but I keep hitting him. He's down, done, drawn - I keep punching. Wet meat, broken bone, my knuckles. Someone grabs my shoulders, pulls me off him; he coughs blood. Someone says, "Cops are comin'". I wake up the next day with damaged hands and no memory of who he was.

"You know, I thought you were going to ask me if we could get another cat," she says. He had asked her to marry him. She said 'yes'.

Thrum, thrum, thrum.

"I didn't know it was like this," he said. "I had no idea, I was so scared." He kisses the other boy. "I'm so scared; I don't know what to do, everyone will hate me."

Click, click, click. The bullets go click, click, click as they are slotted into the magazine. Click, click, click. The Ambassador Hotel. He'll be there.

She coughs for the last time. A small amount of blood seeps into the tube. Her family sighs, collectively.

"You know. . . You know that I love you, right?"

Thrum, thrum, thrum.

Set Five:

Thrum, thrum, thrum.

Thrum, thrum, thrum.

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to weep and a time to laugh;A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to lose and a time to seek; A time to rend and a time to sew;
A time to keep silent and a time to speak; A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

Thrum, thrum, thrum.

Thrum, thrum, thrum.

My favorite quote is by an American author, John Steinbeck. "A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean question: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well - or ill?"

Do your best to do good things because the time when you must ask those questions comes all too soon.

I have enjoyed our time together.

Thank you.

In which We Talk about God and Morality

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 07:08:48 GMT

I kind of got involved in some strange conversation on the intertubes. It involved religion to some degree, and someone said that I have a level of "equanimity" about the universe. I liked the sound of that, as it made me feel less stupid than normal.

(I'm the best there is at what I do, and what I do is pretty stupid.)

I have a big joke that I have been using for several months. That I am a "Militant Apollo Fundamentalist" - that I worship the sun god. There's a reason for this. I figure worshiping the sun - Apollo - is the most productive I can be with my deity worshiping time. Because, unlike other deities, Apollo actually grants shit to you, every day, without thanks:

1) Light
2) Warmth
3) Vitamin D
4) Photosynthesis in plants, which means "food"
3) Sun Tans

That's a lot to be given for free!

Aside from Apollo, you might as well worship Danny DeVito. Because he's the one most likely to hear and answer your prayers.

This makes me sound like an atheist with a bunch of jokes to play.

However, if the truth be told, I best fall into the category of "deist". I believe, through logic, that there is a thing that we might call "god".

How is that, you ask? Mostly, it's Occam's Razor. The most simple explanation is likely the most correct one. I can hear several of my skeptic friends right now screaming, "THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!"

But it does work that way.

So, yeah. We have this Big Bang thing. Given that, everything falls utterly into what we call "science". However, I have to ask the question: what caused the Big Bang? Well, okay. Many things, maybe? A previous universe collapsing on itself. Or something like that. Who knows?

But what caused that? And what caused the thing that caused that? And so forth, until we have turtles all the way down.

Eventually, we hit the idea of "First Cause". Something existed first. And that's a really fucked up concept. Something existed before time began. Think about it for a second. See if you can wrap your brain around that.

I'll wait.

This is where we start using the word eternal. That word - "eternal" - has been thinned out by our culture. We use it a lot, to be sure. Mostly in Christian creeds, mind you, but even there it has lost its meaning. The word means something VERY specific:

"Something that has always existed, and will always exist, and, through that, becomes its own reason for existing"

Eternal things were not created. There was nothing to create them. They are their own first cause.

That we exist is a given (well, that I exist; I'm not so sure about you fuckers still). Once we have that, it's an (admittedly complex) series of logic steps to find that there must be something that is eternal. And that thing, whatever it is, is the First Cause.

So. To my mind, the simplest explanation as to why the universe exists is that there is something that is Eternal. Occam's Razor.

For lack of a better term, we can call this thing "god."

Now, I am not certain that this "god" cares about us in ANY way, or is even aware that we exist any more than I am aware that there are bacterium swimming in the sweat my skin secretes. We are citizens of 1 planet among 8 (9!) in 1 solar system among, oh, 200 billion, in 1 galaxy among, oh, 10 trillion (easy). Those are some big numbers.

We're pretty much alone, I think.

Further, this "god" is bereft of what we call "morality". I don't think it even cares what "good" or "evil" are. These concepts are things for mortal creatures. I think that ascribing morality to a deity is the height of arrogance. Ants may very well have an idea of what is right and wrong to them but I don't give a fuck. I'll still squash them.

So "god" doesn't tell me what is fine and good or worthy of respect.

Without a deity to provide me with a map to what is right and wrong, I am left with my own, internal moral compass. That leaves me with a set of axioms to live by. They basically break down to a few simple rules, most of which are also driven by logic, and ultimately boil down to "greed is good."

That sounds bad. But let's be brutally honest with each other: you are the most important person that exists from your perspective. Oh, sure, you can try to deceive yourself into thinking "my partner or my children are more important than me" but that's a deflection: the reason they are more important to you is because you place that value on them. You may be willing to die for them, but you do so because you put that value on them.

Everything we do - everything - is for ourselves. This isn't a bad thing! Far from it. Selfishness is good! It's good for everyone.

Why? Because you, me, all of us - we may be individuals, but we are still members of a society. You are a hive creature. You cannot escape being part of the hive: it is part of your very nature.

The stronger the hive, the stronger the individual members of the hive. So, the laws of selfishness dictate that it is to your advantage to make the hive stronger.

These axioms are dependent. If an axiom violates a higher number, you shouldn't do it. Like the Laws of Robotics. Here are mine:

1) Don't be a Dick. Jesus said this, only nicer: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Dude had some smarts until he got stabbed and left to die on a hunk of wood. You're part of a hive. When the hive is stronger, you are stronger. If you're a dick, you make the hive weaker. Thus, you become weaker. Don't fuck over people. This is selfish, but good.

2) Take Care of your Peeps. You have a family. It may not be defined by blood. But you know who they are: the people you trust, the ones who will be there when the chips are down. You have to take care of these people as much as you can within your power. Because one day, they will take care of you. This is selfish, but good.

3) Pick a Brother Up. Your fellow hive members sometimes fall down. They may not be your family, but they are still part of the hive. Help them to become stronger, because as the hive grows, so do you. This is selfish, but good.

4) Scotch is Awesome. Fuck it. We've got very little time. As long as you're not hurting someone (axioms 1, 2, and 3), you might as well indulge in pleasure, since that is what makes life worthwhile. It's better to regret something you did do than to regret not doing something. Love who you love, love what you love. Everything drives to this, which is the ultimate degree of selfishness.

Effectively, as long as you follow 1, 2, and 3, you can engage in #4 as much as you want. 1-3 are the base. That's Taking Care of Business.

I am not saying "this is what you should do." I'm saying "this is what I do". It may or may not work for your personal situations or beliefs.

Given that statement, it hasn't failed me at this point.

Dear Lazyweb, A Request for Comments RE:Advair

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:49:06 GMT

(There are actual questions here, but they're at the bottom. You kind of need to know the history to understand the issues. If you don't know dick about asthma, you can skip this entirely.)

About two years ago, after a couple weeks thinking I had a super-bad chest cold and almost dying from it, I was diagnosed with what amounts to adult-onset asthma. This was another delicious genetic gift from my parents which, on top of my tendency towards spontaneous pneumothorax, ensures that I will never be placed on the front lines of combat, be a fireman, or enjoy a rocket ship to outer space.

Anyways, the doctor put me on a drug called Advair at the strongest dosage (250/50, twice a day). This drug is designed as an asthma control medication. It's designed to keep me alive so that I don't have any attacks, which, if you've ever had one (especially one that requires the use of your "accessory muscles" to breathe), simply sucks ass.

Well, that did the trick. The asthma cleared up and I got control of breathing again. After a few months, I started forgetting to take the daily dose of Advair more and more often until I had stopped taking it completely.

Every now and then, when I felt a bit liquid-y in the lungs, I'd take a crack-hit off the Albuterol inhaler. But that ended up starting to be bad for me, because it sent my pulse skyrocketing all the time. So I weaned off that, and do what I can to avoid taking puffs from the "rescue inhaler".

(For me, asthma attacks where I take a hit of albuterol go like this: "HOLY SHIT I CAN'T BREATHE I'M GONNA DIE!" (hit from the crack pipe) "HOLY SHIT I CAN BREATHE AGAIN BUT I'M GONNA HAVE A FUCKIN' HEART ATTACK AND I'M GONNA DIE!")

Super steroids.

Anyways, back in March, I caught another "chest cold". Only it, too, was a big-ass, near-lethal asthma attack that kept getting worse over the course of a week. I went to the doctor, and he pretty much yelled at me: Don't stop taking the Advair, dumbass.

Since then, I've been a dutiful boy about taking it.

However, a couple months ago, I started getting some seriously fucked up symptoms. Very worrisome symptoms, because they can point to some seriously fucked up shit (read: Lou Gehrig's disease or multiple sclerosis type stuff).

To wit:

1) Significant muscle cramping in my hands and feet, especially my left foot (about every third day for a couple weeks)
2) Tremors in my hands (sometimes severe enough where I couldn't type or even play guitar)
3) High-to-moderate levels of anxiety pretty much all the time
4) Panic attacks from time to time (usually one a day)
5) Acid reflux type things (maybe once or twice a week)
6) General malaise
7) Unexplained muscle aches

At first I didn't connect this with the Advair at all. It could be a lot of things (like dehydration or even clinical depression). I started making dietary and behavioral changes (including radically reducing my alcohol intake). But the stuff continued.

It wasn't until I made a connection: I usually had the panic attacks within an hour of taking a hit from the Advair disk. Further, that was when my hands started shaking, too.

After this realization, I started paying more attention. After that, I noticed a definite trend (including a very special instance where I felt a panic attack simply crawl up my spine and root like a dark creature after a fire engine came screaming up the street at me).

So I called the doctor and asked to get a reduced dosage. He agreed, and moved me down to the 150/50 dosage, with the suggestion that if things don't get better within a week that we revisit the problem.

Since then, I haven't had any muscle cramping or aching (yay, victoly!), the malaise has either gone away completely (I'm tired a lot, but I've been very busy and stressed). I still have a level of anxiety but I'm not sure if that's drug-induced or not.

I've had two panic attacks, neither of which were pleasant. Both of them were possibly exacerbated by not being in full control of my situations (when you start to feel a panic attack coming on, you start to panic about the fact that you might be having a panic attack, and that's a feedback loop from hell).

So maybe that's good? But I got new shit.

First, I've had heartburn from hell for the past two days. So bad that I don't really want to do anything at all, let alone eat or drink anything.

Second, the back of my throat is filled with mucous. I'm coughing from it a lot - but I'm having no trouble breathing.

So, the questions:

1) Has anyone else had this happen to them? Had this experience?
2) If so, has this been "fixed" for you? If so, how?
3) Should I just wait it out for another week? It's possible I've still got residual shit going on from the mega-dosages.
4) Maybe I'm just fucking crazy?
5) Maybe it's actually some sort of super-fucked up problem like stomach cancer?

Any help would be appreciated, because this shit is seriously impacting my ability to actually enjoy being alive. So much that I'm almost willing to risk another asthma attack.

A Thank You to my Players

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 05:26:46 GMT

The game I wrote so three years ago must shut down. This is the message I have written to my game's players about it.
Hello, my friends!

About ten years ago, I adopted a cat. His name was Simon. He was a good cat.

As I write this, several hundred of you are trying to log in and play this stupid little game that I made on a lark, as a hobby, because I had fallen in love with some friendships that I made once upon a time.

Many of you do not know the history of nexuswar or why it was made in the first place. It may help to explain that now.

Many, many moons ago, I made friends with some people in a game called "Urban Dead". You may have heard of it. It's a great game. I loved playing it. I made a lot of friends there, in its metagame. I was one of the founders of the Ridleybank Resistance Front, if you can believe that, and was the founder of the Militant Order of Barhah (the MOB) in that game.

We (my friends and I) loved Urban Dead a great deal, but there came a time in late 2006 when we thought the game was going to die. And we did not want our community - this group of people we had come to care for - to go with it. So I set out to create a game that would replace it should it ever fall, somewhere we could go, and own.

And after two weeks of coding, I had what was known as the very first "alpha" build of Nexus War. It was so much like Urban Dead that I am almost ashamed (but not really, because Kevan is a hell of a guy). The first players came up as alpha testers, and they played the fuck out of the game. They found bugs, they found gameplay issues, they pissed me off.

Did you know that, in early versions of the game, you could actually loot corpses? If you killed someone and they had a Hellblade, you could take it. And then, if you dropped it, it was gone forever.

In the beginning, there was only Northcamp. Later, the rest of Valhalla opened, and during the Beta phase, the first level of the outer planes.

In Alpha, Kibbs was the most brutal player, ever. Everyone feared him. I remember hours of time I spent working to balance the hiding rules just to counter-act his guile and will.

I remember when wcil slaughtered everyone in the hospital with a Death Cloud, prompting me to significantly downgrade its power. I remember the "Zerg Prison". I remember Stroth creating the first faction, "Oblivion Squadron". I remember my boss (at the time) figuring out teleport bugs. Petro dropping his fists. Mr. Shooty's Manifesto.

I loved writing every line of this game. I loved writing every snippet of lore. I loved writing every stupid little routine and in-joke. I loved creating cities and history.

And I loved creating a community for people.

I didn't start out with the plan to "make money". That was never a motive; I wanted to make a clubhouse for my friends. And somehow it grew larger: larger than a treehouse, larger than a schoolhouse, and larger than me.

Anyone who understands business or game design will see immediately that there was never a plan for "making money". That I was an idiot for not doing so.

Maybe that was a mistake? I don't know. I don't think so. It could be argued that if I had a business plan in mind from the get go we wouldn't be here today. There might be money to keep the lights on.

But I'm okay with that, because there's something wonderful that happened along the way, and because I didn't require money:

You.

Yes, you.

The community.

Sure, sure. You guys bitch and moan. At each other, at me, at the game, at the rules, at factions, at the forums, at zergers. But despite all that - despite all that drama - you made friends. You formed coalitions. Groups. Factions. Friendships. Around the entire world.

And so I succeeded in my original goal, and for that, I thank you, the players.

I cannot describe to you how much it pains me to write this. For real, and serious. This has been a big part of my life for three and a half years. I'm trying not to be weepy but that's unavoidable; I, personally, am an emotional creature, so there we go.

About a ten years ago, I adopted a cat. His name was Simon.

He was a teeny-tiny tuxedo-colored cat when I found him. He had health problems, but I didn't care. I nursed him up; he became super friendly. We called him "The Marshmallow Cat" because he was so soft around people. He developed strong friendships with everyone, especially my friend Kristen.

About nine months ago, he started losing weight. Three months ago, he was skin and bones, and the veterinarian was not optomistic.

Two months ago, I put him to sleep. He had stopped eating entirely; the end diagnosis was a stomach cancer. He died very peacefully. I was there at the end, and so was his friend, Kristen. We loved him; he loved us.

He was a good cat. He lived a good life, surrounded by people who loved him.

I remember saying to her, to Kristen, "This is the price we pay. The pain at the end, it is what we pay for the lifetime of love."

This is the end, my friends. The pain, the price? That's mine. I knew this going into it.

I don't know if you love this but I love what has happened. And I hope - with every cell in my body - that I have enabled you to make friends with others. I hope that you have made friendships - strong ones. I hope that, in the months and years to come that you will continue to talk to these people. I hope that you will remember this fondly.

This entire thing would not have been possible without the efforts of some extraordinary individuals from around the entire world. I would like to thank them personally, and will compile a list of them so that you can thank them as well.

But really, the thanks go to you, the players. For everything.

Dear Lazyweb, A Question about Scrobbling

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:08:38 GMT

I am a fan of last.fm, and I encourage all of you to create an account and start "scrobbling" your listening habits. It's a really good tool for finding new music and analyzing your own listening trends.

(My profile is jormosaurusrex. Feel free to visit and/or add me.)

However, I ran into an annoyance the other day. I downloaded Lost Season 5 on iTunes the other day and watched it (through iTunes). And, well, last.fm scrobbled all of it, apparently thinking it was music and not video. So I had to manually delete them from the last.fm library, which was stupid.

Thinking to myself, "obviously, this has been a problem before," I looked into the options on the scrobbler app, and lo and behold there is a way to tell it "only scrobble plays from the following directories." Since my music is all in D:\mp3s, I unchecked all other drives, and then I went further in and told it not to scrobble from D:\mp3s\Movies and D:\mp3s\Television (or whatever iTunes calls the downloaded TV directory).

And Lo! It stopped scrobbling *anything*. Nothing went to the server until I told it to scrobble from everywhere again.

So, I pose the questions:

A) Is this a known bug? If it isn't a bug, why is it happening? Because iTunes is installed on the C drive?

B) Is there a work around?

Hurr.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 02:40:04 GMT

This "all the rss feeds are broken on livejournal" thing is really doing a good job of convincing me to ditch this place entirely.

Beatles Rockband: I Wanna Hold Your Hand

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 02:32:31 GMT

On Wednesday, The Beatles Rockband dropped and so I picked up a copy because A) I like Rock Band and B) I love the Beatles.

Everyone likes playing these types of games; the challenge is usually getting a group of people together at the same time. However, this weekend, Maynard's kids are staying over, so we have a full band. And this afternoon, we played (and finished) it.

The game is fab-nominal and thoroughly enjoyable from shrink-wrap to disk ejection.

As far the gameplay goes, it's frickin' Rock Band. If you don't know how this works I can't help you. With the exception of vocal harmonics, the gameplay is exactly the same as that from previous versions.

But that's now why we play Beatles Rock Band. We play it because of John, Paul, George, and Ringo; because of the powerful history the band had; because of their journey; because of the music.

Given that Activision decided to include versions of Kurt Cobain and Johnny Cash in their next version of Guitar Hero, and seem to be doing so entirely devoid of respect or concern for those artists and what they represented, I was apprehensive about the treatment that Harmonix would apply to my favorite musical band.

I am exceptionally happy to say that the subject matter was handled with respect and reverence. Each song has it's own background video, and they are tailor made for the specific songs. There's a lot of fan-service involved in this. WARNING: it is entirely possible to fuck up your song because you accidentally pay too much attention to the backgound video.

We slotted the game and blew through the entire story mode in about three hours. I did vocals the entire way (being the only person in the group who can [or was willing] to sing).

There was an interesting thing that happened to us as a group as we progressed: everyone started out on medium difficulty (or easy, for our drummer), and then, as the song difficulties ramped up (got harder), we ended up increasing our own difficulties. By the time we were performing on the roof of Apple headquarters, Maynard (bass) and I (vocals) were playing on Expert, Cailean (guitar) on Hard, and Hailey (drums) on Medium.

(Just, you know, FYI: the game is rather. . . unforgiving . . . on expert vocals. I've been singing "Sgt. Pepper" in the car for 20 years now and yet I failed the intro almost instantly. Octopus' Garden? 100%. Taxman, which is perfectly in my range? Failed. So who knows.)

The end of the game (which is, of course, "The End") is handled in such a way that I got chills up and down my arms.

This game isn't a "party" game like Rock Band 1 or 2. Those games have a very broad appeal based on the breadth of their songlist. I'm not sure Beatles Rockband would hold up on that level - but it was a hell of a lot of fun.

Some Tips for Batman Collectors

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 20:40:18 GMT

I've finished Batman: Arkham Asylum now. Well, I've finished the story line, gotten all the upgrades, and found/solved all 240 of the Riddler challenges. What's left is getting "gold" on the various challenge maps, which I probably won't do.

For my fellow friends working through it, please allow me to save you about three hours of frustration. All cut for spoilers.

Missing Joker Teeth from the Mansion?

You may find yourself exiting the Mansion and still missing 3 teeth. This is rough; I spent easily an hour and a half scouring the damned mansion for them (they were the last thing on my list, and I was totally committed at that point).

The Warden's Office has a fucking second floor. You won't notice it at all because you don't *need* to - except to get the damned teeth. Stand by the door to the corridor and look up; you'll see a grapple point.

Missing Lore Tablet?

So, I found myself having completed all 240 riddles. And yet, I was still missing a Lore tablet. WTF? (Furious scrolling through the lists to see if one hadn't been tripped). Nope.

Well, okay. If you're like me, you pretty much ignored the Lore as it was spoken. I just shut it off half the time. That's, uh, well. If you listen to the Lore, you'll gradually realize that the "Spirit of Arkham" is an actual person, and the last one you find says "come and find me".

So you need to go back to where you left this person, once you figure it out, and scan them (or what remains). You can't do it until you've got the last "findable" lore, btw, so even if you figure it out early (possible) it won't work.

(There is one person you meet in the game who you don't get a "bio" page for. It's them.)

Other Random Crap

There are two Riddler trophies on the island things you glide to from the Batcave. Once you have the map, you'll see them on there and wonder HTF you'll get there. One is on the first island, the second is on a little cliff after the second island. There are two jump off points on that island.

There's a brutally hard Riddler trophy that you'll find. Both of them are in a cave located *above* the entrance to the Batcave next to Intensive Therapy. There are two of them right next to each other, separated by iron bars. You can get one easily enough through the entrance. The other, not so much: head to the batcave BUT DO NOT go through the iron door. Turn around, use SuperBatclaw. (The map could be a bit less confusing about this, I think).

Which reminds me, remember how to get to the Batcave. It took me forever to figure out how to get back to the "front door" (the lower cave next to Intensive Therapy, past the garden wall - just keep going).

Boss Fights
It took me a bit of time to realize that Poison Ivy gets hurt by the batarang even if the flower isn't open. As you fight her and dodging vines and goons, every other button click should be Quick Batarang. Otherwise this fight gets frustrating.

For the "Two Titans plus a Shitton of Goons" fight, I got nothing. Godspeed, my friend; I think I lucked through that. Ignore the goons; focus on the Titans. KO one of them ASAP; after that it's easy town.

Seraphim and Artificial Intelligence in Music

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 06:35:00 GMT

Many, many moons (circa 2001) ago I wrote a program called Seraphim. Seraphim was, for lack of better terms, a "user-programmable internet radio station." It was a bit more than that - quite a bit more actually.

The problem I was trying to solve was this: I had about 2,000 albums worth of music, and I wanted something that would stream music to my internal stereo. I wanted it to be able to perform the following functions:

1) Allow me (or others) to add single songs or whole albums to the music queue;
2) Track which songs, albums, or artists were the most popular;
3) Have a "smart" Artificial Intelligence disk jockey that could spin music on its own.

The program I wrote succeeded in this regard in all aspects. Sure, sure, the code itself was ugly as shit (and written in Perl). Were I to re-write it today, I would do a ton of things differently. But I had about 8 years less experience writing stuff, so I forgive myself.

At any rate, Seraphim itself became an example of emergent behavior on several levels. Not just in the AI of the DJ, but also in the way that people used the system.

This was in the early days of internet music. Before the dark times. Before the MPAA. I made this radio station and a way to interact with it, and then we plugged it into AOL's network (I won't discuss how that happened because there may be legal ramifications for the people involved). Suffice to say, suddenly a computer in my house was streaming music to hundreds (possibly thousands) of people.

If you had an account on the system, you could do any of the following:

1) Upload your own library of mp3s so that they were available for play
2) Modify the metadata for any song, artist, or album (genres, etc.)
3) Add songs to the system's "queue" - the music it was playing.

(If you were a super-user, you could kill songs from the queue or mark them as "never play").

People would listen to the station rather than their own personal libraries because there was a significant degree of fun involved in being a disk jockey. Perhaps my most favorite emergent user behavior was when someone would start a musical "theme" and the various DJs would try to one-up each other following said theme.

For example, someone might say "the theme is fire". Then, we'd see a bunch of "fire" related songs show up ("Burning Down the House", etc.). There was a game made of the music. It was a glorious amount of fun.

Each song, artist, and album had a "karma" score. The more often it was requested, the higher the karma. Picking a single song gave a +1 to each song, artist, and album. That way the system understood popularity (though the scales were different for each [song, artist, album]).

However, the most interesting part of the system (to me) was that if no one put anything into the queue, Seraphim would "auto dj". And, having lived with it for a year or so, it became . . . exceptionally creepy in how smart of a disk jockey it became.

I wrote the artificial intelligence routines as a lark, to be honest. But this is an example of awesome emergent behavior.

The first thing I did in the system was to "fix" a weakness in the MP3 file format. MP3s have a "genre" tag but that's very limited. It doesn't say a lot; it's a single dimension. So I wrote a large matrix called "Genre Brethren".

For example, "Rap" is a genre brother to "Gangster Rap" and to "Hip-Hop." "Speed Metal" is brother to "Death Metal" and "Heavy Metal". (The system was far more complex, usually seeing 3-6 brethren). Albums, artists, and songs could be tagged with multiple genres.

When in "Auto DJ" mode, Seraphim would start with the most current song and then make choices. Did it stay in the current genre? This was maybe 50/50. If it decided to change genres, it would only move to one of the brethren genres (thus, we don't move from Slayer to Michael Bolton). We keep a continuity of musical style.

Once it picked a genre, it had to choose a song. But that's a trick, right? Obviously, we don't want to pick songs that suck. And that's where I wrote this thing that worked and worked well. To this day, though, I'm not sure how I arrived at the system.

Cheaply, you can just choose the song in the genre with the most karma. That works once. Ideally, though, you'll spread out. So I wrote this complicated system whereby it would pick songs. If I recall correctly (and I could pull up the source to see, but fuck that), it went like this:

1) Choose between Song, Artist, or Album in genre.
2) Within that subset, take the top 50 karma values as a grouping.
3) Within that grouping, weigh each one. Those within the top 5 get +5 within 6-10 get +4, within 11-20 get +3, within 21-30 get +2, everyone else +1.
4) Select within that set based on weight.
5) If "songs", play that song. Done.
6) If "albums", repeat step 3 based on songs in album. Pick song; play; done.
7) If "artists", repeat step 3 based on albums, then go to step 6.

I injected a degree of "fuzziness" into the AI routine, too. Without the fuzziness, it might play the same shit over and over again (like, all of Nevermind on repeat). While the ideal was the highest karma value in a given set, there was logic to ignore that aspect and just pull from lower in the stack (there was a routine to drop out of "standard top 50 of type" mode and pull from wherever, or to overweigh to the bottom of the stack).

As it played songs, it marked when things were last played. Thus, no repeats within 6 hours or so. It also did crazy-ass shit like "look for songs that have a positive karma value that haven't been played in 5 days" and then give those songs extra weight.

What happened was this: I ended up with a disturbing, creepily good disk jockey. My ex-wife and I had multiple conversations about this. We'd be listening to it all day and there would be strange stretches of excellent music choices. So we'd go look and see who had been programming it, and it nearly always turned out to be the machine itself.

I write this only because I'm thinking about writing artificial intelligence routines and Seraphim was one of my first attempts at doing "smart" AI.

Batman: Arkham Asylum: Metroid Prime with Batarangs

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 08:40:18 GMT

Batman: Arkham Asylum is the best version of Metroid: Prime that you will play that includes the Goddamned Batman.

Fer realz, dog.

Have you ever said to yourself, "Self, I sure do wish there was a third-person stealth game where I played the goddamned Batman, trapped on Arkham island, fighting all of the major baddies like Bane and the Scarecrow, where I could hang upside fucking down from the rafters, watching thugs and seeing their fear levels, only to swoop down on top of them, grab them, punch them in the nose, and leave them hanging, trussed up like a thuggy pig?"

If you ever asked that question, prepare for an orgasm, baby, because this game is the answer to your . . . needs.

I cannot begin to describe the visceral thrill that engaged my spine as I took out a room of ten thugs without any of them ever seeing me. You know that scene at the docks in Batman Begins where he takes out all the goons in darkness? One of them shouts, "Where are you?" and Batman just whispers, "here." Bam.

It's like that. YOU GET TO DO THESE THINGS.

But hey, say you're not so into the creepifying ninja type stuff. That's cool, too. You can just swoop into a crowd of goons and go to fucking town. You're the fucking Batman, right? So you can do this, and do it well. Combat is both absurdly simply and absurdly complex. If you do it right, it's a fluid, bone-crunching ballet of broken noses, busted ribs, and cape-swirl induced stuns. If you do it wrong, there's still a lot of bone-crunching.

As you progress in the game you get more . . . bad-ass (I was going to say "more lethal" but the Bat is never about killing). Your initial equipment load is "just" unlimited batarangs and the grapple gun (which, by the way, never gets old). As you progress, you'll unlock new abilities (throw multiple batarangs, better combos, armor, etc.) and abilities (grappleclaw, detonation gels).

These ability increases are where the "Metroid" bits come in: you'll see areas you can't quite get to. Yet. Once you have the grappleclaw, you'll back track to where you saw that grate up high on the wall and pop it open, which opens new areas to explore and be a predator in.

But all that shit seriously fucking pales in comparison to "Detective Mode". Detective mode is a switch, like one of Metroid's visors. Flip it on and all of a sudden your perceptions of the world change. You have better night vision, for one. But you know, that thug lurking in the darkness over there? Now you see him bright as day (though in a skeletal form). Further, you get a read out of his emotional state, whether or not he has a weapon, etc. Grates, doors, other special things start standing out.

Previous Batman games had focused entirely on fighting, which, you know, makes sense given that Bruce is a fucking ninja. But the most important bit to Batman - the thing that makes him the Baddest Dude Walking - is the fact that he's the world's greatest detective. And that's hard to put into a game and make "fun." But Arkham Asylum pulls it off, and does it well.

For example, early in the game, you'll have to track down a guard. You cordon off a "Crime Scene" area and do some investigation. Eventually you find his hip flask, sample the booze, and then, using the bad-ass detective mode visor, can follow the scent of the whiskey in the air to find him.

And then there's a whole series of Riddler-based sidequests. These run from hidden-package collectibles to real "riddles". Find the solution, take a photo, bam, XP. Hunting down Riddler quests alone is half the fun for me.

The boss fights are hella good, too. I mean, like, fighting Bane is pretty typical (dodge his charges, jump on his back and fuck up his venom injectors, etc.) but he's kind of a super-strong thug. The Scarecrow boss fight is clever as all fuck. I haven't run into the Joker yet but I shiver in anticipation.

The voice acting is gold-star all the way. They got Kevin Conroy, Mark Hamill and Arleen Sorkin to reprise their roles from the old Batman: The Animated Series. Since each of them have played those characters longer than anyone else in history, they're kind of definitive. I love me some Heath Ledger, but Mark Hamill's Joker is a different breed, and Kevin Conroy is the best Batman.

(It also doesn't hurt that the story was written by Paul Dini, who masterminded the DC Animated Universe.)

What I hate: Nothing. This is one of the best games I've played in many moons. You will love it.

Plus: The Goddamned Batman.

Tonight, for the Emperor

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 07:42:17 GMT

Blah, blah, Warhammer 40k.

No heretics were burned. This evening's game was a bunch of talky-talky and character development. Well. As much character development as fascist zealots can have, I suppose.

The end result, however is this:

1) I have advanced to rank 6, and chose the Exorcist path.
2) I was promoted to Interrogator, and given my very own Rosette.

I predict. . . many deaths.

At some point this evening I told a frickin' unbound daemonhost that had been pestering us that he could take the deal he was offering, fold it up into sharp corners, and shove it up his ass (I rolled an 07 WP check, and that's what Victus would do). That was fun, but there will likely be consequences.

Today

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 21:13:55 GMT

Fifteen years ago today I found myself stuck in traffic on the Bay Bridge.

I remember that time very clearly because it was the first time I had ever crossed to San Francisco from the East Bay. I remember thinking "this can't be the Golden Gate because it isn't orange."

I had just driven 2,235.3 miles westward, most of the time on I-80, to move to San Francisco on a whim.

Now it is fifteen years later.

I think I am a "local" now.